April 14, 2009

Feeling the Blues

Some days I don’t want to feel anything. It hurts to truly and deeply feels. When you are alone, vulnerable and the truth shows up there’s no running from it. I would rather not feel today. My heart hurts and I physically get ill to my stomach. I am thinking of too many things I need to accomplish and not able to at this time. Every time I make one step forward I seem to make three backwards usually because of circumstances beyond my control. I get down and depressed, I gain weight and I get more depressed. It’s a rather vicious cycle. It’s the feeling one gets when ever so often you stop and take stock of your life and it’s not where or what it should be at that particular moment in time.

Seriously, I am grateful for my health and that of my family. I am grateful for my family and friends and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I’m grateful for just being. But I believe there’s something wrong in not being productive and earning your way into accomplishing your dreams. I got laid-off in December of 2008 and it’s now April, four months and still not working. I’ve sent out applications, even manually dropping some off and still nothing, which is not surprising based on the economic conditions, but you hold on to faith anyway and hoped. Thank God for unemployment benefits, and shrewd money management and decent food -shopping skills, I am managing. But it’s not easy by any means.

Late at nights when it’s quiet and the sounds of sleep and silence is all you can hear, I begin to feel. I think; sigh, think and I feel. It’s usually like a heavy black rain-cloud sitting on my chest and it becomes overwhelming and I want to let the dam burst and the tears come. I’ve come to learn that the power of tears can cleanse as well as comfort you. That doesn’t happen though; I just lay there and feel. It’s hard to cry as much as I’m hurting and trying hard to breathe. I can’t, I just feel and take deep breaths. I tried to analyze exactly what I’m feeling and then let it go, but it wouldn’t let go, held on to me like a jealous lover!

My phone made the text-message-coming-in-sound and I grasp it in desperation hoping the message was enough to distract my feelings. I looked at the clock, it was after midnight and it was an acquaintance sending a message that she missed her significant other and how depressed and stressed she was feeling. That has got be a cosmic joke right? I was supposed to find words to encourage and cheered her so she could sleep and rest fitfully. I was not amused at the Universe’s sense of humor, but I complied anyway.

I sat up in bed and wrote her a two page message doing just that. I encouraged and implored her to have faith, the sun would come out tomorrow and it wouldn’t always be like this. Those were some of the things I wrote and I meant them too. But just for her.

A rather funny thing happened afterwards. I felt better. The bad feelings didn’t just magically disappear, but I was breathing easier. Even though I was aware of the feelings and the heaviness of heart, it wasn’t dominant. I was less focused on me and more on the young lady who texted me. I know it’s not over; these blues that has time and time again come to hug me like a long lost friend who’s too obnoxious to take a hint and leave me the hell alone, but I do my best to maintain my sanity and keep going.

Like that old saying, “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”… Lata!

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Update!

About three days after I wrote this piece I got the best call of my life!! I was called back to work! I’m back working and feeling productive and though at the end of the day I’m totally exhausted, it feels good! Thanks be to God!!