J'can Girl in the Rockaways

Whitney Houston - Where Do Broken Hearts Go

2012-02-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

2012-02-07T07:50:00.001-08:00

And the jury is out!

January 3, 2012

So apparently I had received two notices from the court’s offices regarding being selected as a potential juror. I said apparently because I was informed in a third letter that subpoenaed me to the office because I was ‘non-compliant’ in filling out the two previous forms that was mailed to me. I knew I mailed it back like two or three times… maybe two years ago. I figured they knew I wasn’t a citizen they would just move on and select someone else. Well, it didn’t go exactly like that. I don’t know for sure but I’m assuming the computer generates a list every year and my name is always on it seemed. So I was once again selected.

I went to work and asked for my day off to be switched so that I would be available on the day I had to go to the office and prove to them that I wasn’t a citizen. I was told “I can’t do that, its coupon and super bowl week, and did I have any idea how busy it was going to be?”

I began to envision me in front of a judge and being told to pay a hefty fine. I couldn’t afford any damn fine it was the beginning of the month and a whole new set of bills was waiting on me… So I pled my case some more and was told grudgingly I could switch my days. Sweet relief!

On the morning of my appointment, woke up early and my husband and I went to get the bus because of course his car is in the shop…again! This was the first sign that the morning was not gonna be an ordinary day. While waiting for the “Limited bus” we were told it would be a long wait because there was a terrible accident and the ‘Limited” was not forthcoming. The limited bus makes limited stops thereby getting us from point A to point B faster unlike the local which makes all the local stops. We got on the crowded local bus and next thing we knew we were on that bus for almost two hours!! Traffic was backed up for miles, even on the side streets vehicles were jostling and pulling ahead to get on the main. It was just ridiculous! I called the office at 8:45 a.m. (my appointment was at 9:30) and told the young lady who answered that I was on the bus in traffic and would be really late. She told me to still try and make it and I wasn’t gonna be that late. Wanna bet lady? I wanted to ask but she hung up and I was still stuck on the damn bus. Meanwhile there was an elderly gentleman who took my right shoulder for his own personal soft down pillow. I think he had the best sleep ever enroute to the last stop.

When we finally arrived and saw the lines wounding its way around a corner I was horrified! A friendly young lady on line was drinking coffee and I asked her if by any chance this was the line for marriage licenses. She laughed and explained that it for jury notices. Damn! I was on the right line, and it was windy and cold as hell. The line kept moving pretty fast which was a plus and soon we were actually inside the building itself in another long line which wound its way down and into another room where we had to go through scanners and then sent into yet another room. The process went by quickly after that and soon I was called up, presented my questionnaire all filled out, showed my proof of non-citizenship and that was that! I was thanked for coming in and I was free!!

My hubby and I went to breakfast and caught the next train to our respective destinations!

As soon as I got home I checked my mail and went through it quite thoroughly because I am not too keen on making that trip again any time soon. I am glad that was over and done with… until of course I get the next one…Lata people!

The Budding Musician

2011-12-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

December 5, 2011

The Budding Musician

Oh my gosh, make it stop, please! Coming from my son’s room was a horrific sound that was a cross between a cat being tortured and crying for dear life and a rusty door hinge that badly needed lubricating.

I quickly clamped my hands over my ears and cringed while repeating to myself, “Please make it stop!” Mercifully it did.

He came out of his room in a huff and threw the clarinet on the couch beside me and declared “It’s not working…It’s just not working!” Face screwed up in frustration and shrugging shoulders as he stated his case.

Trying my hardest not to laugh I just said “really?” I’m really thinking, aren’t you supposed to make it work? The way you were abusing the hell outta that poor clarinet I cannot blame it. What would it say if it could talk? I tried harder not to laugh in his face.

I patted the space beside me and he sat. I began to impart wisdom.

“Sweetie, I told him, you have to warm up your vocal chords before you start playing. It’s very important that you do so for the best results. I continued. A runner just does not get up and start running; they usually stretch their limbs and muscles before they do. The same goes for you. Start by taking some deep breaths in and out, in and out as deep as you can, hold for two seconds and let it out slowly and smoothly.

“Ok mom I can do that.” He began, “huh, huh, huh” like an elephant being chased by hunters in the forest.

“No, no sweetie, not like that. Sit up, good posture is important, sit up and take a deep breath through your nose, count one one thousand, two one thousand and exhale slowly through your mouth. I demonstrated for him a couple of times and he understood. He tried it and began to cough.

“Good I say, you are clearing your airways and opening up your diaphragm.”

“That’s exactly what my teacher said, he told me excitedly. What exactly is a diaphragm he asked?”

“Well, it’s a part of your muscular system that helps with sound when one is singing or playing an instrument such as trumpet, clarinet, etc.” (Note to self, look up diaphragm)

We sat for awhile and practice taking deep breaths the proper way until he was sure he was ready to try again.

He got up, stood erect and started playing. My hand was itching to clamp my ears down but I needn’t bothered, he was playing beautifully! The one note that was giving him trouble he played without any problem.

“I think you got it” I said. He had a big grin on his face. I think he surprised himself.

“Was it because I took deep breaths?” he asked.

“Yes, it was partly that and most importantly you didn’t give up!”

“Now go to your room and practice some more until you feel you get it just right ok.”

“Ok mom, thank you” he said as he took the clarinet and leave the room.

I could hear him practicing and hitting really bad notes and I could almost hear him taking deep breaths as he continued trying. Any minute now I expected to hear him storming out the room and complaining again, but he didn’t, He kept trying! I smile to myself.

“Yes it was a small victory but I felt like a fricking genius!”

Lata people!

Mel & Tim / Starting All Over Again 1971

2011-10-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

Tyrone Davis - Wrapped Up In Your Warm And Tender Love

2011-10-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

2011-07-02T18:31:00.001-07:00

Without You

Life without you is lie

I smile to ease the pain

I laugh out loud concealing my heartbreak

My yearning for you is as natural as the air I breathe

I hear your voice, music to my ears

I hear your laughter, happy tinkling on my heart

Laughing, eyes twinkling, memories come pouring in

He looks at me and smile in kind

I’m quiet, my smiles and laughter

Not meant for him

Feel as if I’m betraying you

Feel as if I should be split in two

Life without you is a lie

Trying my best to be true

I can only be the best me when I’m with you

Feeling like an empty shell, existing, not living

2011-04-14T15:59:00.001-07:00

“See You Later?”

“See you later?”

Dammit! She meant that to be a light hearted and care-free statement, not a loaded emotional co-dependent question, as if she couldn’t bear to see him go, that’s the way it came out sounding to her.

Maybe I’m just being too sensitive she thought.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later” he said as he got to the door, turned to look at her and turned the knob.

She looked around the room and saw all their stuff; she took up the tee shirt that he slept in and inhaled his scent.

She couldn’t figure out what was happening in their relationship, she seemed very unsure of herself around him and he seemed to be tip-toeing around as if he didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. It was becoming uncomfortable, a chore. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, was it?

She remembered the first time they met and how awkward it had been. He was an athlete very good looking and sexy but seemed seriously unaware of it. He was low-key, humble and seemed very intense in a dark brooding way, kind of mysterious. She felt the attraction right away but was so shy and lacked self-confidence she ignored him.

He was a friend of a friend and when they were introduced he had the warmest smile and sincerity in his eyes when he said,”hi, how’re you doing?”

“Fine and you?” she’d answered.

“Good, good”, he had replied.

“I know you are related to Robert, is he your brother?”

“No, he’s my cousin, how did you meet him?”

“He came to the field while we were training and we started talking”.

That’s how it all began; she remembered she couldn’t believe he was talking to her. She wasn’t even in his league of friends, she was the one always in the background, the one everyone knows is there, but not really. She was excited and still thought it was just weird that he was so warm and charming talking to her. She had told her best friend; even she was impressed and jealous.

He came to the house many times after with the pretext of seeing my cousin Robert because my father was very strict so seeing Robert made the visit legit. He was a very brave young man and quite likable, so much so, that my dad began joining in the conversations and arguments they would have. She admired him and began to fall for him a little harder than she had thought possible.

That was fifteen years ago! They had been together ever since, except that one time when they got separated over a stupid misunderstanding and was apart for two months. He then got involved with a neighborhood girl who was just waiting for the right moment to pounce and pounce she did. Their daughter was now the product of that misunderstanding.

She was inconsolable when it had happened. He told her without holding back, the stark unvarnished truth about what had happened, he knew how much he had hurt her, he apologized. She was angry, she yelled, she chased him out of her life, she ignored him for days on end, she was crazy with indecisions. She questioned him about the minute details as if she trying to punish him over and over as well as herself. He answered every question without making excuses.

“We had a misunderstanding and you went and got a child, how the hell did that happen?”

“How could that have happened, I read, I analyzed, I took the blame, I thought I was too rigid, needed to be more loose, thought I needed to be more understanding, I thought and thought. I didn’t go out and sleep with the first guy I saw, you went and had a child, oh my God, who does that?”

He listened to my ranting and raving, he comforted me when I cried, he apologized and took full responsibility, I continued ranting and raving. I packed my bags, I fled with my heart and I cried some more. I ignored his phone calls, I ate very little, I internalized and questioned. I found out I loved wine-coolers. I listened to music and I thought some more. It was awful. It was painful. It was the beginning of a new truth.

We got through the initial shock and searing pain, we were now at a place where we were dealing with it; the pain of betrayal had lessened but was still present every time he came in later than he said he would or special birthdays and holidays came around.

Trust has been severely eroded but everyone deserves a second chance and he has proven himself ‘trustworthy’ ever since then, calling and checking in even though I had never asked him to do so. Trust can be regained, of course it can, but never to the degree it was once was and maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe one needs not to be too trusting, too secure in monogamy knowing that at any moment temptations and the lack of self-control can result in things unimaginable to one’s psyche and relationship.

***********************

The phone rang; startled for a second, still deep in thought, his tee shirt fell from her hand as she picked up the phone, “hello”

“Hi”

His voice did amazing things to her; it was like sweet wine on a cold, crisp winter’s night spreading warmth throughout her body.

“Hi”

“Just needed you to know that I love you, thinking about you and yeah I’ll definitely be back later because you’ll be there and I will always want to come home to you.”

“I know that, I love you too.”

“See you later!”

That time it came out just right! She threw the phone down, turned the music way up as she danced across the floor.

*********************

Exclusive property of Carmen Lawrence should not be copied, borrowed or reproduced without permission from owner!

Where the hell is Spring?

2011-03-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Where is Spring? This seem like the longest and coldest winter we've experienced in a long time. It's exhausting wearing all this winter's gear, coats, hats,scarves gloves, boots and in my case "aise muffins" (a la Oliver). I do not like the cold! I can never seem to get warm. I sleep in sweats, and socks and hog the blankets!! Even back in Jamaica when I resided in Mandeville and I thought it was cold (what a joke) I used to sit in the sun for periods at a time because I was freezing. My mom used to laugh and remarked that I had no blood in my system. It was no joke to me, I was used to the heat, I love the heat. Prior to the "coolness" of Mandeville I was living on the plains of Portmore!! There's a reason why it's called "Sunshine City".

Cold weather is no fun for me. For the young ladies and school girls it's a chance to dress up and look cute in their outfits (more power to them). Me, not so much, I look more or less like a bag lady! My nostrils are oozing clear liquids that I sometimes cannot even feel, I'm crying for no good reason because my eyes are tearing up and running down my cheeks and worst of all my ears gets cold. I am most miserable when my ears gets cold. It's the most uncomfortable feeling ever! In America prior to Spring, the media make a big-to-do about these rodents who live underground, the groundhog. Somehow they are suppose to be able to predict whether we are gonna have an early Spring or not depending on if they see their shadow or not. This year my friend posted on FB that if he didn't see his shadow she was gonna ambush him and beat his ass! I gave her a thumbs up on that.

I really don't care how hot it gets I love the Summer. I love that I can wear nice light fabrics, my toes are showing their pretty colors in my sandals. I can show my hair and you can actually see the syle or color I chose. I love the flowers and trees in full blossoming and green foilage stages and I love that no matter how hot it gets, I can drink a cold glass of lemonade or more likely a cold glass of flavoured iced coffee and chill!
First though I have to get to Spring... Achoo! Seasonal allergies anyone?

My Father

2011-01-24T14:39:00.000-08:00

January 20, 2011

My Father

There’s a saying that says “as a child, you love your parents, as an adult you judge them and then you learn to forgive them”. I think that’s the right order in which these events occur. I have huge issues with my father. Writing this, my heart is pained with sadness and there’s an ache in my throat waiting for anguish tears to release it, but I am through crying. I already exhausted that outlet and it didn’t do me one damn good. I cried hot and angry tears, I cried woe-is-me tears, cried wish-I-wasn’t born tears (yes, some days it was that bad) cried because I didn’t feel loved or wanted at times and cried because I felt powerless. I was done crying. I’m sure my feelings are not unique but they are mine and I own them.

My father was a good provider, meaning, he made sure I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. Made sure I went to school, church on Sundays and he did all that was required of him and nothing more. He was a very strict disciplinarian and then some. There were no gray areas in any situation where he was concerned. It was black and white and that was that. You weren’t allowed to have an opinion; he would either argue with you or ridicule you. My reason for childhood mistakes, skirmishes and errors as I stammered my way through whatever explanations that makes sense to me at the time was “excuses” not reasons. I was not a confident child and I was shy but I learned pretty earlier on from observations where I stood in relation to my sister who was brown-skinned and had what we called ‘royal’ hair (mixture of Indian and tightly curled negro hair). She was a lot more talkative and socially aware than I was and that was advantageous to her and her relationship with him. Between them both I felt like the weed in the garden. Pretty much treated that way too. He didn’t attend my graduation ceremony. Why? Because I didn’t invite him!! I lived with him, he sent me to school for God sakes!! It was a given that my parent would be there proud and beaming like every other parent. Or so I believed! That tells me he was either disappointed that I wasn’t like his star pupil or he just didn’t care!!!

I was a decent student in most subjects but I stunk at mathematics!! I was very bad! To this day I do not have a great relationship with numbers. I went to evening classes when I was at primary school, doing extra lessons in math and still I just didn’t get it. It was frustrating and embarrassing. Took me twenty odd years to learn that I am dyslexic where numbers are concerned. (I know dyslexic is used incorrectly here as it relates to reading. Lexica I know relate to speech, but I am not sure what the correct term/word for numbers is). Anyway my problem was that I transpose (change the order of) numbers. Back then I was “just a dunce and my head tough” this despite the fact that I would pass all my other classes, no problem, but barely scrape through a math exam. I tried so hard one year at exam time and came in the top three, out of thirty plus students in the class. I was so proud of myself knowing how difficult math was for me at the time. Well, daddy dearest looked at me and told me something I had never forgotten to this day. He said, “If you can place in the top three, you should have been first”! I was crushed! No job well-done, no congratulations, nope, that would have been too easy for him to make me feel good knowing how hard I worked. I learned from that. I now tell my son everyday how proud of him I am, especially when I know he tries his hardest at whatever he finds difficult. Guess I should be thankful for his teaching me that.

I went through so many painful experiences with my father too numerous to mention. Painful years that could have made me a different person but thankfully there were always ‘angels’ in my life that were there for me even though I wasn’t aware of them as such at the time. He wasn’t always selfish and self-centered. He introduced us to cultural event like going to the theater to watch plays on stage. We weren’t allowed to watch entertainment shows on television during the week. We were allowed to watch the news and boring interview programs like JIS (Jamaica Information Service) API (Agency for Public Information) among others. At that time though, we were well versed on current events of the day. Ask any question regarding the events of the day and we knew the answers. On weekends we could watch whatever we chose. He was a hard man, not very affectionate. I feared him most of my years growing up with him. It was very hard conversing with him even lightly. I felt I was judged, almost always negatively. I am over that now. I love him because I am supposed to in a Godly way I think, and I am grateful he didn’t put me out in the streets, but I don’t like him at all!

I haven’t spoken to him in years. I haven’t seen him in years. I am now in the forgiving stage I guess. I decided to do so from a distance. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s not.

It takes work to forgive someone and I am still a work in progress. I wondered why he was so hard with me, why it seemed he hated me so much. I realized his childhood was not a bed of rose. He probably didn’t feel love, wanted or needed either. Which is why, if that was the case, why would he subject his child to such harsh treatments knowing what it felt like? Why did he try so hard to crush my self-esteem? Why did he try so hard to crush my sense of self? During a dinner conversation as an adult he once told me I wasn’t conceived out of love! (Ok, so most children from Caribbean countries were not born from a union of love, but why did he feel the need to verbalize that?) No matter how you feel about your child, why would you tell your child such a thing, unless you were a cruel egomaniac with a heart of stone! I just don’t understand. I know I need to forgive him, knowing that he couldn’t have known any better, because it is said “if you know better, you do better” right? He could not have known any better. I always held him in high esteem that he was a smart and intelligent man, but I was wrong and I came to the conclusion that he just didn’t know any better. A huge let-down. It was that simple, he just didn’t know any better. I need to believe that. He had no emotional quotient, no empathy where I was concerned.

I need to thank him that I don’t treat my child the way I was treated. I need to thank him that I love and demonstrate to my son everyday my love for him. I need to thank him that I gave my son a voice to express himself without fear. I didn’t have one. I need to thank him for the fact that I am helping my child to develop a healthy sense of self and self-esteem because he made sure I didn’t have any of those qualities. He tried, gave it his all. He lost.

I am learning to forgive him and thanking him from a distance, because I need to and because I can. It takes too much energy to do otherwise. I am doing it one day at a time.

So to my well meaning Canadian mom who protects, encourages, and loves me unconditionally, who taught me to love myself, who made me realize I was special and important, who has accepted me for me and to my loving and gentle sister who worries about me and my relationship with my father and told me repeatedly to call him and forgive him… I am good. I am learning to forgive him… one day at a time. That’s good enough for me for right now. I was once told “you can forgive someone but you don’t have to be bosom buddies with them”. One of the best advice I’ve ever gotten!

2010-09-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

Vacation

Hi! Haven’t blogged for awhile simply because life gets in the way sometimes. Work, family, vacation, laziness and writer’s block and not specifically in that order. Just came back from Jamaica and it was a wonderfully short vacation. Really went down for a funeral but that’s another story.

Went to my cool hometown of Mandeville and wasn’t disappointed at all. Vibrant town and sea of people, always moving, colorful and bright! New buildings and hopefully new jobs were provided.

Jamaicans are so funny I swear. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism for the hardship of our lives and I know it’s also a cultural thing. Just look at Oliver Samuels and others that have gone international as well as the amount of theatrical productions (Root plays) we have where we basically have a huge laugh at our life’s situations at our own expense. We definitely have a helluva sense of humor.

My cousin Donna and I (real roots girl, down to earth and feisty) were in town one day getting food. As we were passing, this hawker says to her “yow shorty a cash fi gole dat yuh a wear enno, weh yuh a sey, waan eat a food”. I was dying laughing. Donna gave him such a look that would wither the most beautiful flower!! For those of you who don’t understand the dialect this is what he meant- He was hawking for the “Cash for Gold’ business and so when he saw the earrings (two gold pairs) Donna was wearing he was basically asking her if she wanted to sell him and earn some extra money to spend and get herself some lunch (or whatever). The way he leaned against the wall all nonchalant as he spoke and what he said, I was cracking up! The attitudes and slang, just plain funny.

Donna also has a way of saying “give me a break/ please let me through” concerning traffic. We were in rush hour traffic, both pedestrian and vehicular. School children in colorful uniforms everywhere, workers going home, taxis jockeying for their attention, buses, mini-vans and private vehicles all wanting to get somewhere without exercising any patience but very skilful drivers none the less. All organized chaos. To me it was a mad-house. She would put her head through the window while skillfully negotiating the car and said “beg yuh it nuh man, yuh nuh si mi a beg yuh papa” without fail, they would give her a bligh (would yield to her) so we could be on our way. I said this before in another blog post and I’ll say it again; Mandeville has some of the most generous drivers in JA.

I had a lot of fun in spite of the rain that hurricane Igor pelted us with during the week. I had steamed and roasted fishes, steamed bammies (cassava bread), roasted and fried golden brown breadfruit, stewed pork, chicken, ackee, all the good local dishes. The curried goat was out of this world, so yummy! I swear I am gonna get shares in “Juici Beef Patties”. My absolute favourite patties, savoury, flaky, light and oh-so delicious!! Wish I had the good sense to take some home with me. I had all that planned and somehow that plan got lost in the entire shuffle.

Family and I went to “Bubbling Spring” in St. Bess, a new local mineral bath with cold water. Very colorful place with beautiful grounds. We tried to go to the beach but Igor had other plans, the drenching-flood-watch lightening and thunder kind. We went to “Little Ochie” and had too much food, had to take some home. The late evening skies were pink and orange. I sat (waiting for the food) and watched as the water washed ashore and kissed the powdery sand over and over again and it was beautiful. There were people walking about, drinking, dining and music in the background, good vibes all around. It was just an amazing moment.

I simply cannot wait to go back home. I laughed so much my jaw hurts compliments of my cousins Donna and Kaymarie. Life can be so hard at times and sure sometimes things fall apart but I learned again and again that laughter is the best medicine and I have my cousins to thank for that. Donna’s motto is “trust God and live” and I am adopting same.

Lata people!!

Millie Jackson - It Hurts So Good

2010-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

This is the mood I'm in.... Nuff said! Thanks Ms. Millie and Youtube!!

2010-07-27T22:00:00.001-07:00

Big fish Pond in da Sky

One of our goldfish has died. I woke up one morning and it was just floating with his eyes all glossy. I hoped against hope he was just relaxing but since I didn’t see his fin embracing a cocktail glass or his glossy eyes covered with shades, I had a sinking feeling. I knocked on the side of the tank to make sure it wasn’t just relaxing and it just moved with the vibration my knocking on the tank produced.

I felt really bad and my heart just dropped. I couldn’t believe Whitey had died. We had those fishes for over three to five years I cannot recall accurately, but I know they were tiny fishes when we got them. They are now the size of my palm…big! We originally had three; they were all goldfishes, two were brightly orange colored and one had a white body but orange fins and tail. I told my son to name them since they were his responsibility. He thought really hard and couldn’t seem to find names he liked and then in a burst of inspiration he had it and was jumping around in excitement. Okay out with it I said… “Goldie, Goldie and Whitey” he said. I laughed so hard; this kid has no imagination I later told my friend.

Anyhow, one of the Goldie died earlier and that was really hard on my son and I but at least we still had two left and they kept each other’s company. Now whitey was dead! My son was away on vacation when this happened, I called and explained that Whitey had died and he asked plaintively “why did he die?” I told him it was just old. The other Goldie is swimming around merrily, at least so it seems and I’m wondering if he hasn’t missed his buddy…

I went to the pet store to get him some more fishes but I had a hard time deciding which and an even harder time trying to figure out where in the store the reptiles (specifically snakes and lizards) were so I could avoid them…ugh! I decided to wait until he returns from vacation so he could pick the ones he likes. I remember one morning I woke up and Whitey was white all over, I mean his tail and fins that were orange were now white. I’m sure it happened gradually but I hadn’t noticed. I was quite alarmed and went straight to the pet shop and told the lady I thought the fish was dying, or it was really sick but something was wrong. She calmly told me nothing was wrong when goldfishes get old they sometimes lose their color. She was right. He was still swimming around merrily and doing his thing, that was some five months ago.

It’s just amazing how emotionally attached we are to our pets. They belonged to my son but in reality I was the one feeding and cleaning their tank, greeting them mornings and evenings when I get home, having one way conversations while they swim around merrily and eat like they were starving every single time. In the mornings when I put the tank light on they would jostle for space at the corner of the tank, faces upturned and mouths open waiting for their flakes…*sigh*

Bye Whitey…. I scooped him up out of the tank and promptly flushed him down the toilet. Took my shower, had to get ready for work. I miss him now, every time I look in the tank and see the last Goldie swimming around I really missed the other two but I was lucky and happy to have had them for such a long period. Their purpose was to teach my son responsibility but since I practically did all the work concerning them I am happy that he at least learned empathy and he is not growing up an emotionless and selfish child.

2010-03-22T08:33:00.001-07:00

What the hell!!

My day off from work finally came and I was so relieved that I didn’t have to get up early that morning. Of course in reality I had to, so I got up and helped my son got ready for school by coaxing and alternately threatening him while making his breakfast, until he got up, did his morning routine and got dressed. I knew as soon as I put him on the bus I could go back to bed. Sweet, I was so looking forward to doing that.

I’m a night owl, meaning, I will be up until one, two o’clock in the morning before going to bed and because I go to bed late, I expect to be able to sleep late in the mornings as well. Unfortunately my life is not designed that way and more often than not I have to get up and get my child off to school and then run errands while I have the day off and the time to get things done.

I had to get my laundry done; I was running out of towels, that’s how I usually know I have to get to the Laundromat. I went back to bed and set the alarm because I was determined to get some sleep. I got up quite refreshed two hours later and started packing up my laundry, got dressed, called the cab and was out the door. First, I dropped the clothes off, went and ran some other errands. On my way back I called my girlfriend and we decided to have breakfast and get caught up as we haven’t seen each other in awhile. We had breakfast, great conversation and an hour later I was on my way back to the Laundromat to start my laundering. It was a great morning so far, there was a spring in my step.

I grabbed my cup of warm coffee and walked the couple of blocks to the Laundromat. I threw the clothes in the washing machine and got it going. I sat down on one of the yellow plastic chairs, waiting for the cycle to finish when along comes a “Mr-drunk-arready-so fricking-early in the morning” middle-aged man approaching me and saying “hi beautiful how yuh doing”?
Say what?? I looked around because I just know he wasn’t talking to me! Dammit he was! He was a professional drunk, his eyes were very red, he wasn’t stumbling and he reeked! You can tell a professional drunk, they drink so much that they don’t really appear fall-down-drunk; they have a certain glazed-over look and they usually reeked of alcohol. They are able to carry on a half-decent conversation like a sober person.

He stood quite still and politely asked my name and I politely gave him an alias. He asked if I was married, told him I was. He then asked if he gave me his number, would I call him. I didn’t answer right away. I took out my mirror, a small compact I had in my handbag and took a quick look at my reflection. He stood watching me intently. My hair was in place, my lips still glossy and I looked quite decent, meaning there was no look of desperation on my face or written across my forehead…nope I was good! Satisfied, I closed the compact and told him, “hell no!”
He remarked he just had to ask and he respected my position, all the time he was talking I was trying not to breathe. He reeked of “J Wray &Nephew” white rum which led me to believe he had ‘them’ over for the previous night and an early breakfast too, which gave him confidence and he was as mellow as could be. He walked on and I reflected on why the hell he thought I would have anything to do with him. I was not the only female in the Laundromat. Good thing I have great self-esteem and thought I must’ve looked pretty amazing for him to be drawn to me like that …

************

That same day I had to drop my phone off to get it configured at the dealer and was told to return in thirty minutes. I had upgraded to a new phone which I badly needed. My old phone was the butt of many cruel jokes at work. I’m pretty sure if I had left it on the lunch table overnight, I would come back to work the next day and still find it, no one wanted it, not even for free! My friend used to shake it and ask if I had to put money in to get it to work and everyone within earshot would be laughing their butts off. I went to the corner deli and ordered a cup of French-vanilla coffee and sat by the window sipping and people watching trying to pass the time and that’s when I saw her!

This woman was walking with a purpose, at a fast pace and was dressed to the nines. She wore a tight pair of jeans, snug fitting blouse, and long black hair shimmering down to her back but it was her eyes which were arresting! She had applied false lashes to her own lashes and I guess she thought bigger was indeed better because they weren’t pared down in any way shape or form to make one have to guess if she was wearing them…nope it was quite obvious. The thing was, her eyes looked as if they were waiting on the control tower to give her the ok to take off! It was as if she was wearing wings on her eyes and they were about to take off from her face to fly the friendly skies!

I’m highly amused and sat there smiling broadly while idly wondering if she didn’t look in the mirror before she left her house, and if she did, she really thought it was ok to leave her house looking like that? Wow!! Thank God for individuality because it sure gave her the right to dress any old way she chose to, but for a lack of a better word or phrase…lawd ma! Lata!

2010-01-14T20:21:00.000-08:00

Haiti

There are deaths and destruction everywhere one looks in Haiti right now and I am saddened and feeling quite helpless. I pray especially for the children who I know must be frightened beyond words and I can't even begin to think of the psychological effect this is going to have on them for a long time to come. It's very difficult for me to wrap my mind around this disaster...it's so complete.

Inspite of it all, there are courageous people from all over the world who are there or on their way to offer help in whatever ways they can to help ease the pain and suffering.
I pray that God will give the nation of Haiti the courage,strength and will to get through this and knowing they are not alone will help tremendously.

May God bless and comfort the people of Haiti.

2009-12-11T06:18:00.000-08:00

December 9, 2009

Characters

In Jamaica we have some very colourful and wild characters. How they arrive in our everyday lives, conversations and folklore is beyond me, but they are there ‘living and
breathing’ like a normal person. I will elaborate on three I’m familiar with here in this space.

Firstly, there’s “Ben Johnson” nope, not the Olympic runner. Our “Ben Johnson” shows up on a Thursday usually, the day before pay day and you guessed it, he’s usually “bruk like chuch (church) mouse”. (If you are a non- Jamaican reading this it means, he’s greatly lacking in his finances.) The conversation usually goes like this…

John: “Wha gwaan, gimme a money nuh”. (What’s up? May I have a couple of dollars?)
Tony: “Bwoy tiday a Ben Johnson day yuh nuh. (I have no money today, my finances is sorely lacking)

Don’t know who this person is or how he became synonymous with ‘having no money’ but he is there living and breathing among us like a family member.

Next, we have a “Mr. Joe Grind”, he’s very self-explanatory, (but again for my non-Jamaican readers) he’s usually the man the wife or girlfriend is cheating with behind their spouses back. His mode of entrance and exit is usually the back door or bedroom/bathroom window. He’s quite famous as he’s featured in songs, stage plays and even cuss-cuss among neighbours. I’m sure there are different names for him elsewhere because he’s a universal figure. Sometimes he’s the best friend of the woman’s husband or boyfriend and most times the whole neighbourhood knows about the illicit relationship before he has any inkling of what’s going on. But God help his wife/girlfriend and “Joe” when they are found out!!

Then we have “Ferdie”! He is a downer. He is usually in a mood and feeling crappy, miserable and out of sorts. Any number of things could contribute to his feeling this way.
The conversation usually goes like this…

John: “Wha gwaan, den a how yuh look so, wha ‘appen? (What’s up? You’re looking sad/down/miserable, what’s going on?)
Tony: “Man, a feel like Ferdie…”

Ferdie is really the topic of my blog post today but I had to give some background information so one could understand the dialogue I had with my sweet, loving (but had no clue) cousin about “Ferdie”. I will change her name to protect the innocent.

She texted me…

Francine’s text: “Hey, yuh deh deh?” (Are you there?) (Make no mistake, Francine has two degrees and is highly intelligent but she LOVES her native patois and because I can read it fluently we often communicate this way)

Me: “Yeah I’m here, *sigh*, feeling like “Ferdie”.

Francine: “Well mi know she sing wid di peas dem but mi noh know dem songs so dat one went strait ova mi head.”… (Well, I know she sings with the Black Eye Peas but not really familiar with their songs so I didn’t get the simile)

Me: “What!! OMG!! You so funny…not FerGie, FerDie!! Usually when someone remarked they feel like “Ferdie”, in short, Ferdie felt… @%#!!?*& UP!!

Francine: Lol!!

Me: You so young, ask your mom about “Ferdie.”

Francine: “Who di hell is “Ferdie” anyway?”

Me: “Don’t know, but he must have been a rather unfortunate fellow.”

Francine: “Now dat is funny, well ‘ope yuh feel betta soon.”

Me: “Yeah me too...Lata.”

After that I was laughing so hard I did feel a bit better…

2009-10-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

Can You Lend An Ear?

While I was at work one day this week doing my tables (I work in retail and was assigned to the clothing tables) I heard exclamations of, “Oh my God, I cannot believe I find a pair, wow I’m so happy.” I ignored the lady and kept folding the articles of clothing on my table grumbling under my breath about the inconsideration of customers who dug up the tables of clothing as if seeking gold, especially when all the sizes are displayed prominently on the pieces of clothing. I was in my own world minding my own business and I just kept going.

I heard another shout of, “Oh my God another pair, wow today is my lucky day, doesn’t take much to make me happy at all wow!” This time I spun around and a lady about 60-65 years old was going through some designer jeans and found herself two pairs of black ones in size 14 and she was ecstatic. I honestly thought she was talking to her friend or maybe a fellow shopper but she was alone. I know why she was so happy, the retail establishment carried a lot of designer clothing labels and the price was great compared to the department store and savvy shoppers know a great deal when they see one and to find your size on that particular day was like icing on the cake. The sizes go real fast as sometimes shoppers shop for their friends and relatives also. It’s not unusual to see them on their cell phone describing or taking pictures and then leaving with several pairs.

Still I gave her a half smile and resumed my folding. She walked up to me still talking. “I can’t believe I found my size, you see, I lost a pant size and… then I heard, oh you don’t really care”… I stopped short, put away the article of clothing I had and gave her my full attention. I looked her in the eye and apologized.
“I’m sorry, you were saying?”
It so happened she lost a pant size because she was on a diet, so I congratulated her and then she said it was a starvation and a suffering diet. I was puzzled. She explained that her mom had died recently and then her house was burnt to the ground all her possessions, memories were now ashes and now she was living temporarily elsewhere. She also explained that because of all that she had gone through her appetite was non-existent. I told her I was so sorry she had to experience all of that and hopefully things can only get better from then on.

Finding the jeans in her new size and for the price she paid, she was expressing new-found joy I guess, about the little things that made her happy. She wasn’t giving up; she was determined to still find her joy. She was grateful and happy enough to share her joy and her story knowing all that she went through recently and I felt this (put your thumb and forefinger close together) big for my behavior and selfishness towards her expressions of joy earlier. So wrapped up I was in myself!

I know the lesson is to be thankful and grateful for the little things and not to take anything or anyone for granted. It took a senior citizen who had gone through hell and back to remind me. Thanks lady!
“Dear God, thanks for all my blessings, those I’ve acknowledged and those I have not Amen!”

2009-07-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

Having Blood Drawn!

“Aaaawwww, omg! Ouch! Oooh! Omg! dooo-nt! Omg!”
“Please stop all that noise, he said, you’re going to scare all the rest of my patients.”
I watched with squinting eyes as his steady hand with the needle approached the blue vein in my arm and…omg! Ouch! Oooh! Ouch! Wait; wait pleeease, just a minute… All this happened after he gave me a bright orange sickenly sweet liquid to consume and I had asked if I could have ice in it and he laughed at me. I then asked if I could have a gum to take the taste out of my mouth and again it was a no! I could only rinse with water but couldn't swallow any of it as that could mess with the purity of the test. All this was said and done on a fasting that started at midnight and it was now 9:30 in the morning!I had a hour to wait for the first needle. I was so not looking forward to it.

“Shhhh, you’ll make them think I’m hurting you.”
“That’s because you are! Hello! You’re sticking a needle in my arm!”
He said, “Ok, calm down and take a deep breath… just breathe, now form a fist and take another deep breath. I felt a pin prick. “Release the fist and breathe”. I felt it as he adjusted the vial below in his hand. I watched as the dark red liquid ran through tubes and I watched again as he changed vials four times!
“Did you feel that?”
“Yes I did!”
“Ok it’s over; see you at 10:30 sharp!”

This was a three hour blood test and this was just the first hour!!
I am such a wimp!!... Lata!

2009-07-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2009

T-Shirts Captions

I’ve always been fascinated by tee shirt captions because I think they express what an individual usually feels for that day (or hour maybe) when it was donned. Most importantly they are usually funny and I am cheered for that minute or hours after I read them. I stare unabashedly straight at their chest and read in silence and then burst out laughing and got dirty looks in the process because I think they sometimes forget that they have words written across their chest. Once I turn their attention to the words, I get a smile or outright laughter.

I decided to highlight a few I’ve seen so far that tickled my funny bone. I just love how clever and tongue-in-cheek they are. See for yourself.

**********

I taught your girlfriend that thing you love so much! (This was on the well muscled chest of a Latino guy)

Are you as think as I drunk am I? (This one is easy, had one or six drink too many)

Lord keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. (Self- explanatory)

I know it all… I just can’t remember it all at once. (Memory impaired perhaps?)

High Maintenance (This one was a hoot because the woman wearing this looks to be in her seventies, head wrapped in bright floral scarf, skirt with huge floral prints and sneakers with socks…so far from the caption written across her chest.)

Orgasm Donor (Do you really need an explanation for this one? A very confident teenage boy was wearing it)

He loves me (Big letterings) I love him not! (Small letterings)

Sarcasm- just one of my many talents!

**************

Readers if you see any more tongue-in-cheek captions please send them to me at “bookworm5316@yahoo.com” please and thank you...Lata!

Just learned this morning July 20th, that one of my favourite author, Frank McCourt has passed away. I read his critically acclaimed novel "Angela's Ashes" for which he received a pulitizer prize and his other novel "Tis". He was a very talented writer.He will be missed.
R.I.P Mr. McCourt.

2009-07-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

He did it! Yeah!
June 29, 2009

“No more pencils, no more books”
“No more teachers’ dirty looks”

It’s summer and school is out! Need I say more? My son has been out of school for two days now and I’m so very happy and proud of him I don’t know myself. He has advanced to fourth grade!! I’m tickled pink (yellow, orange you name it). He did it! My loving and amazing child has advanced to fourth grade for next semester!!

Towards the end of the semester he was having difficulties with his teacher who happens to be a wonderful, disciplined and fair teacher. He wasn’t getting along with her as he felt she was picking on him unfairly and she didn’t like him. I had to explain to him that if the teacher didn’t care about him she wouldn’t go through the trouble of correcting him or sending home notes with the intention of resolving the problem. I was getting notes from her in the meantime explaining what was going on and let’s just say it was just a messy situation. His father bellowed and scowled at him. I took over. I wasn’t trying to scare him into behaving. I wanted him to listen and understand, to know why it was important and not be scared or frightened into it.

I was frustrated, angry with his behavior and disappointed but… I loved him through it. I encouraged him through it and I talked to him constantly through it, explaining why he needed to be respectful of his teachers. Why he needed to be more attentive in class so that he could be successful in his future endeavors. I also got angry with him at times when I thought he should’ve understood but demonstrated otherwise… but as always I loved him through it and I prayed! Did I pray! I prayed for patience in dealing with him, I prayed for God to let him understand and I prayed some more because that’s what I know to do when all else failed.

It was his final day of the last semester in third grade and so I, like all the other parents out there was expecting report cards. I was hoping, praying and anxiously waiting (a bundle of nerves inside) but cool, calm and collected on the outside. I didn’t want to put all that pressure on him. When I came in from work that evening, my husband met me at the door and said “bad news sweetie, he has to repeat third grade.” I knew right away, he advanced! How? Because he didn’t even wait for me to put my bag down before all that came out and he didn’t look frustrated or disappointed enough. I asked where Mark was, he said, “I sent him to his room”. My heart sank, but I kept my cool.
I was a bit upset at him. “Why’d you send my child to his room, he needs to be comforted blah, blah, blah…”

I went to Mark’s room and he was in bed covered and smiling under the sheets. They had planned the whole thing and he was grinning from ear to ear! To make a long story short, he made it! He advanced to the next grade! He got four on the State’s math test and three on the English Language test (on both test four is the highest one can score) and for his regular subject scores he did well.
I gave him a high-five, big hug and told him how proud I was of him and how I knew he could do it. We hugged and rocked, grinning stupidly with me just loving him. Thank you God!

I took him to a neighborhood restaurant on the weekend and treated him to lunch, just us two, mother and son. It was wonderful. His dad who is equally proud of him took him to one of his favourite spot, “Chuckie’s Cheese where he had tons of fun. He came home quite exhausted.
He made it… Yeah!
Congratulations Mark, we love you!

2009-06-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Michael 'Prince' Joseph Jackson

Michael 'Prince' Joseph Jackson has moon-walked off the world’s stage. He died on Thursday June 25, 2009 leaving family, friends and loyal fans shocked and mourning in his wake.

He was truly a musical genius, an amazing and gravity-defying dancer as well as a uniting force, bringing people of various background and class together where his music was concerned. He was a shrewd business man. He was also a devoted father of three beautiful children. His parents has lost a son, his siblings has lost their brother, nieces and nephews lost their uncle and the world has lost an iconic, talented and amazing musician and dancer. It’s a very tragic and shocking death.

His fame came with the usual ups and down and his personal life was filled with scandals of the worst kind. There were court cases. He was acquitted. There was also talk that he was in major debt. He didn’t escape the negatives that came with fame. He was eccentric. He was brilliant!

He put his whole being into creating and executing his dance moves. He was magical when dancing. So graceful, so light and so powerful simultaneously!

Rest in peace Michael. May you be remembered for your positive contributions to the music industry and for your devotion as a father to your three beautiful children as well as to your family and loyal fans. You will be missed!

My favorite MJ songs

Man in the mirror (absolute favorite)

ABC- 123 (Jackson 5)

I Want You Back (Jackson 5)

I’ll be there (Jackson 5)

Heal the World

Billie Jean

2009-06-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

“Let go and let God”
June 17, 2009

I’ve been trying to live, weave, intersperse if you will this concept in my life a lot lately and as simple as it sounds putting it into practice is the hardest thing ever, but it is possible.

Life has been challenging lately, basically for everyone whom this recession has affected and for whatever other reasons had to rely on one pay check as opposed to the two you had before, among other things. Personally my behind is sore from all the ‘kicking’ I’ve been receiving and financially my purse and bank book has been in an eternal recession especially since I was laid off and my savings had to go towards paying rent, and personal bills (read credit cards, medical bills, a small amount but still…) I have a child who’s growing like a weed out of his clothes and sneakers and for whatever reason, boy’s clothes are very expensive as compared to girls. I have a husband whose job was also affected by the economy’s down-turn. I am not unique in this situation and this is not a “woe is me” blog post, on the contrary, I’m happy and grateful enough everyday I’m allowed to wake up, live and breathe that day and to be thankful for my blessings those I’ve acknowledged and the ones I have not for that day. I know I’m Blessed!

This is instead a post about Hope and Faith. This is about having it, exercising it, believing it, releasing it and expecting that you will have a positive outcome when all is said and done.

There’s a saying… “When men on earth has done their best, only angels in heaven can do the rest” (or something similar) and I firmly believe that is the perfect time to ‘let go and let God’ and that simply means, surrendering all your cares and troubles to Him(whomever you deem Him to be), release your Faith, stand back and watch!
He knows exactly what you need and when you need it.
Surrender and release your faith, knowing that He hears, understands and believe He’s working on your behalf on what He thinks is best for you and not necessarily what you believe you want or need. You also have to remember He works on his time, not yours! When you make two steps forward and three steps back and constantly falling on your face and not for lack of trying or being uncoordinated, having two left feet, then it’s clearly time to ‘let go and let God’.

When you are used to being in control of your life, managing and micro-managing the day to day living, the tangibles and suddenly everything is falling apart at the seams and no matter how skilful you are it’s impossible to keep all the balls in the air, then it’s a whisper to ‘let go…’ You won’t be giving up, nor are you expected to, you are just handing it to Him in faith and keep on moving no longer worrying, having sleepless nights or panic attacks about the ‘what ifs’ life has to offer.
To “let go and let God” is a little like being a trapeze artist in the air without a net below executing expert and complex maneuverings knowing if your timing is off by a second you’re doomed…that’s what it feels like and it’s the hardest thing in the world to do but the minute you surrender in Faith, believing, releasing and expecting a positive outcome you’ll be amazed at the peace you’ll experience and most importantly how effortlessly and miraculously things fall into place. That’s when you know He’s working.

Sounds weird and unbelievable I know but I’m a believer because time and time again I’ve experience this and I know without a doubt it works! Of course this is after frustratingly trying to do it myself over and over fighting and being miserable until the light bulb goes off and I said “okay God, I’m done, I have no fight left, please help me!” That would be my way of surrendering.

Sometimes I have terrible arguments with Him too, oh yeah, about the ‘whys’(questions) and the futility in trying and he lets me goes through all of that and for what…terrible verbal arguments (crazy I know) but I do and in a quiet moment I’ll usually ‘hear’ and be humbled.
So whenever life decides to trip you up and it will, take a moment, breathe, pray, (meditate if that’s your thing) exercise and release your faith, believing and expecting that it will be taken care of… doors will be open, someone will just walk up to you or have a phone conversation or you’ll open a book and the answer, solution will be revealed to you. That in itself is the most exciting aspect to me because I usually can’t wait to see how He reveals Himself. Have a blessed day…Lata!

2009-05-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

May 12, 2009

When Do You Say When?

Been going through some emotional, passive-aggressive, stone- walling experiences lately with my significant other and the above question popped into my head and I’m just wondering when do you just say, “to hell with this!” and walk away huh?

I know in every relationship, there are ups and down, good and bad moments and we more or less have to try to resolve same especially if child (ren) are involved and most importantly if we still have something tangible to hold us together. I know I love my husband and family unit, I also know that life is not perfect nor do I expect it to be, but sometimes I know I really, really dislike him too, or rather his ways, especially his passive-aggressive, behaviour which to me is infantile and just plain stupid!! Seriously the way he operates sometimes, he makes it easy, very easy to dislike him and his annoying attitudes, some days, weeks or even months. This problem is not unique to me and mine I’m sure. I know there are people out there with whom this resonates.

If there’s a problem I will speak up and I expect the same from him, but he hardly ever says anything, he will listen patiently and says things like, “why would you say that? Or he’ll say, “What do you mean by that?” but he never fully expresses himself verbally, that just makes me really angry!! Know what that makes me look like? A nag! Yeah that’s how I end up sounding when I am speaking and he has nothing to say, I sound and look like a nag, which I am most emphatically not! So now I shut up and nothing gets resolved. It can be a rather frustrating cycle.

I expect him to be responsible and diligent in taking care of his family and I really don’t tolerate excuses or mediocre explanations that cannot be proven and yet this is the same man whom when I was ill and in incredible and indescribable pain he was there for me, washing and taking care of me, making sure I had whatever I needed and woke up every morning, got our son ready for school and made sure I was set before he left for work. I can hear the whisperings, “but that’s his job right, the vows said for better or worse.” Yeah, about that, saying the vows is one thing, but when reality hits it’s something else. Seemed to me he’s at his best when I’m down. He knew exactly what to do and go about it seamlessly, but the minute I’m back on my feet, he’s back to the same old, same old “couldn’t- care- if- Sunday- falls- on- a- Monday- type of man.”
What is that about?

He’s a rather generous man and very even-tempered most of the times. He gets along great with his friends and is easily approachable. We get along great most of the times and he and our son do have a really good relationship full of life, laughter and special times together. But for the times we don’t get along so smoothly, everything is magnified times ten and I’m sure that’s not fair, but that’s how life is, sometimes it stinks!

Anyway, I guess deep down I know how much I can and will tolerate because everyone has a point of no return and truthfully I am now frustrated and pissed off but I don’t think I’m there as yet…lata!

2009-05-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

May 8, 2009

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there who against all odds are holding their families together and taking care of their child(ren)in the most phenomenal way!
I salute and respect you simply because the act of mothering did not come with any handbook and we make mistakes and beat ourselves up but we have the courage to wake up the next morning with God’s good grace and do it all over again and hopefully will get it right that day and the next!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers who assume the duties and responsibilities of the absent father and still has the grace and strength to be soft and tender when they are needed to be.

Happy Mothers Day to all the biological, grandmothers, surrogates, adopted, aunts, cousins, neighbours and friends who assume the duties of a mother just because the need is there and their hearts are big and generous.

Last but not least, Happy “Mothers” Day to all the men who stepped up to the plate and ‘mother’ their children when ‘mommy’ wasn’t available or capable of doing so.

Thank you, even though we know it’s a thankless job, but as difficult and as frustrating as it is, I wouldn’t give it up for the world because my life is so much richer for the experience of being a mother.

So Happy mother’s Day and God’s Richest Blessings to you all…Lata!

2009-04-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

April 14, 2009

Feeling the Blues

Some days I don’t want to feel anything. It hurts to truly and deeply feels. When you are alone, vulnerable and the truth shows up there’s no running from it. I would rather not feel today. My heart hurts and I physically get ill to my stomach. I am thinking of too many things I need to accomplish and not able to at this time. Every time I make one step forward I seem to make three backwards usually because of circumstances beyond my control. I get down and depressed, I gain weight and I get more depressed. It’s a rather vicious cycle. It’s the feeling one gets when ever so often you stop and take stock of your life and it’s not where or what it should be at that particular moment in time.

Seriously, I am grateful for my health and that of my family. I am grateful for my family and friends and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I’m grateful for just being. But I believe there’s something wrong in not being productive and earning your way into accomplishing your dreams. I got laid-off in December of 2008 and it’s now April, four months and still not working. I’ve sent out applications, even manually dropping some off and still nothing, which is not surprising based on the economic conditions, but you hold on to faith anyway and hoped. Thank God for unemployment benefits, and shrewd money management and decent food -shopping skills, I am managing. But it’s not easy by any means.

Late at nights when it’s quiet and the sounds of sleep and silence is all you can hear, I begin to feel. I think; sigh, think and I feel. It’s usually like a heavy black rain-cloud sitting on my chest and it becomes overwhelming and I want to let the dam burst and the tears come. I’ve come to learn that the power of tears can cleanse as well as comfort you. That doesn’t happen though; I just lay there and feel. It’s hard to cry as much as I’m hurting and trying hard to breathe. I can’t, I just feel and take deep breaths. I tried to analyze exactly what I’m feeling and then let it go, but it wouldn’t let go, held on to me like a jealous lover!

My phone made the text-message-coming-in-sound and I grasp it in desperation hoping the message was enough to distract my feelings. I looked at the clock, it was after midnight and it was an acquaintance sending a message that she missed her significant other and how depressed and stressed she was feeling. That has got be a cosmic joke right? I was supposed to find words to encourage and cheered her so she could sleep and rest fitfully. I was not amused at the Universe’s sense of humor, but I complied anyway.

I sat up in bed and wrote her a two page message doing just that. I encouraged and implored her to have faith, the sun would come out tomorrow and it wouldn’t always be like this. Those were some of the things I wrote and I meant them too. But just for her.

A rather funny thing happened afterwards. I felt better. The bad feelings didn’t just magically disappear, but I was breathing easier. Even though I was aware of the feelings and the heaviness of heart, it wasn’t dominant. I was less focused on me and more on the young lady who texted me. I know it’s not over; these blues that has time and time again come to hug me like a long lost friend who’s too obnoxious to take a hint and leave me the hell alone, but I do my best to maintain my sanity and keep going.

Like that old saying, “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”… Lata!

**************

Update!

About three days after I wrote this piece I got the best call of my life!! I was called back to work! I’m back working and feeling productive and though at the end of the day I’m totally exhausted, it feels good! Thanks be to God!!

Beep! Beep! Beep!

2009-04-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

Beep! Beep! Beep!

He was holding and loving her ever so gently, sweetly and intensely. She was in ecstasy and knew instinctively there was no place else she would have or should have been at this moment. This was where she belonged, right here, right now in his arms being the recipient of his sweet and intoxicating loving. She waited a long time for this and nothing was going to spoil this moment, she was going to savor and enjoy every minute of it.

The music poured through her soul, the lyrical melody seeping through her pores, her skin, and into her veins as she moved in rhythm to the sultry-whiskey-laced-gravelly-voiced wisp of a girl who was belting out her feelings in song. The organ playing hauntingly and beautifully as he rained butterfly kisses on her eyelids, tip of her nose and on her lips. She stretched and purred like a satisfied cat that had just had his fill of creamy milk. The lyrical notes caressed her heart, the timbre of the songstress’ voice filling her being as he continued to rain soft kisses on her breasts, teasing her nipples. She was on fire, the song bathing her in a passionate dance of climatic proportions. He was now caressing her from head to toe, “ooh, this is sooo good, hmmm, hmmm”.

Suddenly he stopped and stared at her. Seeking and finding her eyes he stared steadily at her. Gaze intense and with heated passion he gently lowered his head and without saying a word, found her sweet lips. There was nothing soft and gentle about his kiss. She was in sweet pain as she held on to him tightly, responding to the message his lips were sending and letting him know she had received it. He lowered his head, rubbed his hand lightly across her belly and began punctuating it with soft kisses as his hand explored her inner thighs. The music began to swell to a crescendo, her breath coming in short gasps as she made herself more accommodating and the girl sang, gotta a right to be wroooong, in that sultry gravelly voice, “sing it girl, siiiing, sing, don’t stop please, please don’t stop, a plea she silently screamed to them both while in throes of ecstasy…Beep, Beep, Beep… Beep, Beep, Beep!!

“What, huh? Nooooooo, don’t stop, not now! Beep, Beep Beep!
She jumped up in bed and realized the alarm clock was going off; she stretched across and angrily slapped it off the night table to the floor, where it clattered. She looked around trying to find her dream lover but he was no where in sight, of course he wasn’t, he wasn’t real. Sheets were tangled up in disarray, clothes on every which way as if she was in a fight and the darn clock on the floor was still beeping. She had forgotten to hit the snooze button. She had to get going, didn’t feel like it today, work was the last thing on her mind, but she had to get going. Beep, Beep, Beep! “Shut up already” she yelled.

She got up, grabbed her towel and headed for the bathroom to shower. Marching with purposeful strides to cool the fire between her thighs, she stubbed her big toe on the clock and angrily kicked it across the room in a corner. Her toe still smarting from the blow, she hopped into the bathroom. Turning on the tap she stepped into the shower stall, thought about it and stepped out again. Went to the living room where she found the remote, gently lifted her hand, aimed at the stereo and filled her apartment with Joss Stone’s, Right to Be Wrong. It was seven-thirty in the morning, the music was loud. She didn’t care. She felt tons better already, singing along as she entered into the shower stall. Maybe today wouldn’t be such a bad day after all.

************

2009-03-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

‘Depths’ of the Ridiculous?

This past Sunday I was listening to a Caribbean music program on a very popular local station here in NY, when I heard this fascinating and incredible bit of tid-bit. I swear this falls in the category of ‘you-can’t-make-these-things-up’ because seriously, you can’t.

Seem this very sane (?) woman and her partner from Maryland wanted to add some spice, some major excitement to their love life in order to experience the most powerful orgasm that could be imagined. She consented for him to attach her battery device, in this case her dildo, to the end of a power- saw! Yeah you read that right, a freaking power- saw!! Which was then plugged into a wall socket and the power- saw cut the device in half and continued to ‘saw’ its way into her vagina!! “Ouch, ouch and OMG ouch”!!

She was medi-vacced (evacuated by medical helicopter) to a hospital in Prince George’s County where she was in really bad shape. She’s home now and still recovering according to the announcer who was reading the article.
When the cops went to see her partner, I think to investigate, she said no crimes were committed, it was all consensual, and they were just seeking the ultimate orgasm.

I guess it was her right to seek the ultimate orgasm, but a power-saw? Come on now!
Some people are very creative, to their own detriment, but she knew what she wanted and
Darn it, she went after it! How many of us can seriously say we know what we want to experience in the bedroom and actively do something about it other than fantasize?
Well don’t judge, just learn from her experience and wish her a speedy recovery and many more safe adventures in the confines of her bedroom….Lata!

2009-02-18T14:36:00.001-08:00

More “Mark-ism”

Let me set the scene. Mark was doing his homework and had to write his heading on top of the page including his name, the date, and the time he actually starts his homework.
He had gotten home from school about an hour ago, relaxed a bit and was now (insisted by me) ready to start his homework.

Mark: “Moooooom, what date is it today?”

Me: “You just came home from school and I’m sure you had to write the date several times today so I don’t understand why you’re asking me, “What date is it today?”
“What is wrong with your concentration, are you serious?”
(Couldn’t just gave him the date and keep going, nooooooo, had to switch in parental mode and had to listen to his little butt making actual sense, arrrrgh)

Mark: “Oh my goooosh mom, the date, like the time is UNIVERSAL you don’t have to be in school to actually know what date it is”.

Me: Felt like a fool cos he was right, but that wasn’t my point, I KNEW what date it was I just wondered if he had to ask after writing it several times that day, what does that say about his ability to focus and recall simple facts. So like a hypocrite, (cos he was right) I went into p-mode again and asked, “Excuse me, and are you supposed to be speaking to your mother in that tone?”

Mark: “What tone mom?”

Me: “That tone you just used as if I’m six years old and your patience is wearing thin, that tone?”

Mark: “Well, I’m just saying… okay, sorry mom, (said this grudgingly) didn’t mean it like that, just saying, you don’t need to be in school…..”

Like a dog with a bone he couldn’t let go, and I guess he knew he had a point and so he held on and I grudgingly admitted to him, that he was in fact absolutely right about that statement he made, but that wasn’t my point to begin with, but yeah, he was correct and let’s leave it at that. I swear I saw him smiled a bit, like he KNEW he got me this time!

**********

Got up in a really not-so-nice mood and my husband and son were around and I really didn’t want to see them too much. Ever wake up and just want to be alone, just don’t feel like communicating with anyone? Well that was the kinda morning I was having. No explanations, just that kinda day and feelings accompanying it. I really wanted them gone.
Just maybe it was too much testosterone… or not.

I knew my husband was leaving shortly and really wanted my son gone with him, but he was “iffing and butting” whether to take him or not and my son didn’t really want to go cos he wanted to stay home and play on the computer, while talking on the phone with his friend as they strategize their game and so to encourage him, I said, “sweetie go out with your dad, it will be good for both of you and besides it’s a nice day for winter, staying cooped-up in the apartment won’t do you any good, go get some fresh air, fresh air is good for your lungs.” To which he replied, “Mom, I’ve been outside every morning at 7:30, in thirty degrees weather breathing fresh air in my lungs waiting on the school bus, don’t really need any more fresh air, thank you very much!”
My husband laughed and I just looked at him like I’m stupid, cos I really didn’t know what to say and I guess he was right. It was his winter break and so I guess he just wanted to stay home and relax too. The kid had a point!.....Lata!

2009-01-28T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ow! Ow! Ouch!!

I hurt the tendon on my left foot, how, I ‘m not really sure, meaning, not sure what I did or didn’t do to accomplish that. I was going on an errand, running late and I remember trying to exit the house at a faster pace than I normally would and I felt myself slipping and in trying to avoid that, I ended up damaging my tendon. Funny thing is I knew I felt something there, but it wasn’t that painful and I could still walk without hopping like a rabbit so I thought I was fine…….well!
Got up the next day to get my son ready for school and could not get my left foot on the floor, it was swollen and painful!!! Oh my Lord, I was in agony! So I looked and saw this swollen tender spot at the area of my heel, somewhere below the ankle and it wasn’t pretty. I was now walking and hopping like brer rabbit and ouching every step of the way. I absolutely have no tolerance for pain and so you know the Advil (painkiller) wasn’t too far away

Good thing I don’t have a job right now, (victim of recession and down-sizing) because, seriously, I would not be able stand or walk around and my past job required a lot of that.
For someone who’s so afraid of pain and has no tolerance at all for it, you’d think I’d be more careful. Outdoors is messy, there’s snow on the ground, and there are hard to see icy patches, which would have been the ideal place for it to have happened, but not me, oh no, it happened in my own apartment in which the floors were not even wet! Who am I going to sue, me? All I would get is practice!

I went and spoke to the pharmacist who told me that I had somehow hurt it by trying to avoid falling, slipping or any other simple scenario. He suggested I use some painkillers like Advil or Motrin because they specifically targets inflammation, use a warm or was it hot, whatever…compress and elevate the foot to keep the swelling down. All sound advice except I am not able to sit around and elevate because when you have a child, there’s stuff to be done, like cooking, and cleaning, running more errands before he returns from school with a whole lot of homework to practically take over your entire evening, so I have to use the time wisely while he’s not here to get in my way. Meaning I’m still up and running. I don’t take the pain-killers unless I really need to, most times I sit, and moan and curse like a sailor or ignore it until it becomes unbearable, ten minutes tops!
I’ve said this before, and I will again, thank God for men and modern medicine!
Until then, this is hop-along saying...Lata!

2009-01-17T10:40:00.000-08:00

President – Elect Barack Obama!

America may have her faults, but this is one of the greatest countries in the world and though other countries may not agree for whatever reasons, this is one amazing and (can’t even find the right words to describe her here) great country to be in, live in, and to experience democracy at its best, bar none! We are experiencing difficult times but this is an exciting and extraordinary day! Election Day!

Democracy! What a sweet word to have in our country, lives and world (at least some part of it) November fourth was a historical day in America. The impossible became possible and a Black man with a funny sounding name, whom, about five years ago no one knew of, became the First Black President of the United States of America!! The rookie Senator from Chicago Illinois, who saw neither black nor white but one united country, has achieved the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and has reached the ‘Promised Land’. We, as a nation is proud of him as a man who has accomplished so much in such a short period of time, we as black people are very proud and happy and nervous for him in the task that lies ahead and the insurmountable financial debt we find ourselves in, compliments in part, of the Wall Street greed.

I witness people standing in line for hours being patient ,willing and happy to have the opportunity to be there, in that historical moment in time to cast their vote. It was a beautiful sight to see so many people, young and old took their civic duty very seriously and embraced the democratic values in this country, and why not, America was built on that very same value that the government would be ‘of the people, by the people, and for the people’.

The man was unflappable, he was poised, thoughtful, articulate, confident, well-versed on the issues, never strayed from his message of unity and the economy, he was awesome, in other words, very Presidential! He won the debates without “hitting below the belt”, didn’t need to go there, always try and take the high road and as a result gained more respect. He really listens and he really understands what’s at stake, and even in his victory speech where he was humble, he understood that, ‘yes, I won, but the job starts now!’ He even reached out to those who didn’t vote for him and included them as well as asked for their help in running this country. This man is a one man unifying force!

People celebrated and packed Harlem, Times Square, New York City as if it was New Year’s Eve! People packed Grant’s Park in Chicago, churches across the nation, barber-shops, homes, and world-wide in Lebanon, France, China, Japan, Nigeria, United Kingdom, Canada, even in Kenya where today is a holiday because one of their ‘son

did the impossible! There were people of all shades and nationality present and celebrating, even foreigners from abroad. Absolutely amazing!

I can’t wait to see that beautiful family occupy the White House, I can’t wait to see Michelle Obama’s personal stamp in there. I can’t wait to see those two beautiful little black girls running in the halls and hearing the pitter-patter of their little feet making their marks, representing all little black girls everywhere, especially those that were bombed in that church in the deep South in the turbulent sixties.

I know the slaves who toiled in the hot sun in days gone by will feel vindicated now that one of our own will be on those steps (they built) at Lincoln Memorial being sworn in as President of the United States. I know they couldn’t have imagined this day, but their work was not in vain. Their cries that no-one heard, was not in vain, their plaintive songs that kept their spirits up when their ways were dark and seemed endless, were not in vain. They are vindicated!

I cried, not the racking sobs of boo-hoo-hoo, but silent tears that streamed down unabashed and I am still hoarse and I kept my son up to witness this extraordinary event that was unfolding so he knew what he was witnessing. He was excited. His school had a mock election and Obama had won, so he was very much in the moment. He went and got his American flag and waved it and sang the National Anthem, until I sent him to bed because he had school the following day.

John McCain is to be commended also for a battle well fought. It wasn’t easy and for his age, he showed true grit and strength. That same strength he portrayed when he was a prisoner of war. He has lots of experience, he loves this country and is dedicated to it and would’ve made a decent President if he didn’t have the present President hanging around his neck like an albatross with the effect of his presidency. We thank him and his family for their love of country and their dedication. He was very gracious and true in his concession speech and portrayed himself a true gentleman. May God bless him and his family.

President Bush gave a welcoming speech to the soon-incoming President Barack Obama and on behalf of him and his family warmly welcomes him to the White House which I think was very gracious and kind and that’s what makes America great, the civility, the fact that we can disagree, yet, still be respectful and gracious. The soon-to-be outgoing President graciously bowing out with grace, warmth and intelligence and making space for the soon-to-be incoming President Obama. No ego trips.

Gotta love this country and if not, gotta love the democratic process, it’s the best; it makes us all better people!
Later!
************
This was supposed to be posted immediately after the election, but had computer problems and was off-line for two months, hopefully better late than never!

2009-01-03T09:42:00.001-08:00

Passion!

Are you living your life with passion? Or do you merely exist from one day to the next? This came to me recently while I was doing something quite mundane, washing dishes by the sink in the kitchen. I don’t know why these profound questions always come to me when I’m in water, whether washing dishes, showering or even scouring the bathroom, I tend to think of things in a whole different way, or maybe it was just the coffee…either way I’ve been pondering this for awhile.

I asked myself, what is my passion, not the romantic version, the real one that makes a difference in your life, touches your soul, causes one to pass their comfort zone and stretch themselves a bit more than usual but simultaneously giving you joy and inspiration amidst the hard work in accomplishing it, whatever it is.

I know my passion is the written word, whether writing or reading it. I find comfort in reading. I read a bit of everything good, bad, trash, classics, everything I could get my hands on. When I was home I had a favourite east Indian mango tree I used to climb, it had the perfect seat and I used to sit in there for hours just reading while my sister, cousins and friends played childhood games. I never grew tired of reading.

I recalled once when we were called to dinner by my aunt, I took my dinner and went into our bedroom behind the bed to eat because I knew I couldn’t go to the table with the book. The bed was set up in such a way that the head of the bed spanned the corner where the walls met and so a triangular space was created with this set-up. I sat back there with my plate of fish and yellow yam, dumplings, gravy and a delicious smell emanating from the plate. I put the plate down, opened up the book and started reading. I was aware when our house cat ‘snooky’ came and sat there but I ignored him and kept on reading.

Next thing I knew, I looked down and my fish was completely gone and now my food had cat saliva all over it and I started to cry and went back to my aunt who was shocked and yelled at me for being so foolish (rightly so). She asked where was I, what was I doing and didn’t I see the cat eating my food? Questions coming at me fast and I just wanted to disappear. I was simply reading and everything else was blacked out, just like that.
Now was that passion or stupidity? I choose to believe it was my passion with the written word in its budding stages.

When I started this blog I barely knew anything about computers and I’m still a student in training but I knew I needed to stretch myself a bit and leave my comfort zone, so to speak and started writing (publicly), I knew I needed to do something. So I timidly began my journey and I’m still here learning and enjoying the process as I go along.
My cousin asked me sometime ago after I started blogging, if I remembered what I said I wanted to do when I grew up, I told her I didn’t recall at all. “Well, she said, we were playing under the bed and I asked you what you wanted to do when you got big, you told me you wanted to write a book”. “Really, I said, imagine that”. While I’m no where near the beginning of my book, I’ve started my journey and that my friends is the first step.

Find your passion and live it, life is so much more profoundly interesting and enjoyable and you’ll feel better for it, I promise. Even with the growing pains you’ll experience while doing it, it will be well worth it!!

I do hope for the new year you’ll find your passion and if you’re having trouble figuring out what it is, let’s just say in my experience, it’s something that you can’t help doing and feeling very happy and fulfilled while pursuing it, but of course it has to be moral, decent, kind, uplifting and inspiring. That should give you a clue.

2008-12-27T12:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas

Its here, in a flash it seems, though not really, just doesn’t seem like the usual Christmas with the same enthusiasm as in years past. The economy is in a financial squeeze and it affects so much more than Wall Street and the big investors, even the little people like me is feeling the effects of it.
People are holding on fast to their monies and just purchasing what is absolutely necessary, food and clothing. Personally for me, it’s only the ‘little people’ in my family who will be benefiting this year from gift-giving and I make no apologies because I know the adults understand and if they don’t, tough luck!

Speaking with my sister the other day and we were reminiscing about Christmas ‘home’ in Jamaica where we had so much fun in the preparation for the holiday and it was one of quality where family time was spent with those we love and hold dear to our hearts as well as neighbors and friends and yet we didn’t have the materials things we crave so much as we do today, but I remember it was really a wonderful time well spent and we were very much appreciative of whatever gifts were received as well as given to each other, because I guess we were aware of the sacrifices and generosity of heart with which it was given knowing the giver wasn’t financially well- off.

Well it is now gone (Christmas that is) and personally I’m a bit relieved, there were too many things I was worried about and that’s not what the season should be about. I am however looking forward to the New Year and all the positive things it will bring. Hopefully, economically things will be a bit better even though common sense said it didn’t happen overnight and so it definitely won’t be fixed overnight, but I’m hoping to see some kind of financial improvements. I’m hoping to see more people employed and just over all more positive things.

My child was happy with the gifts he received judging by the screams of joy and his running around as if he didn’t know what to do with himself, I was happy he was happy.
We had food, warmth and a roof over our heads and most importantly we had our health and for those I’m ever grateful, thank God!!

So to all my family, friends and acquaintances and neighbours I wish you all the best for the coming year and God’s richest blessings to you and your families in every aspect of your lives. May all your wishes, dreams and expectations materialize in a positive outcome.

Happy New Year everyone!!

2008-12-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Haunted Shell of a Woman

Saw this ‘ghost’ of a woman approaching as I folded and straightened articles of clothing at work recently. It was as if she was floating, barely stepping as if she was afraid of doing so. She was actually walking in fear, stepping gingerly. I didn’t stare as much as I wanted to; it would’ve been rude, I knew better.

She was beautiful at one time; she had that kind of face. She had soft wavy hair which was caught up in a pony-tail but the texture was very dry. Eyes were saggy with black bags beneath them. She tried applying mascara on her lashes but the ends came out clumped. She tried lipstick but it wasn’t applied properly or maybe it was, before she got to the store. In any case it was her whole demeanor that was sickly, sad and pathetic looking. She was extremely thin with clothes hanging loosely on her body even though she took the time to belt her waist. Which told me all was not lost; she still cared about her appearance. What was it that was dragging her down so badly, cos I swear if you ‘look’ closely enough you could actually see her baggage.

She came up behind me, I wasn’t aware of her presence so close to me until she inquired about a shirt she wanted to purchase for her boyfriend. I was a bit startled and she apologized. Beautiful sing-song articulate voice. I helped her to pick out the shirts and sizes she was looking for and asked if it was his birthday. She replied no, it wasn’t, but he works outdoors and he needed warm shirts. I replied that he was a lucky man and hoped he realized how lucky he was. She shook her head no, he didn’t realize how lucky he was and wasn’t even aware of her own birthday. Hadn’t acknowledged it as long as they have been together.

“Are you kidding me, how long have you been together?”
“Two years and he doesn’t even acknowledge my birthday or takes me out anywhere, in the meantime he gets dressed and goes out with other women and comes home to me and doesn’t even know how I pay the rent. He went out and had a child and I took him back and he curses at me and beats on me at times my mouth bleeds so badly.”

It was like I opened up something inside her when I asked how long they’ve been together. A torrent of words came pouring out and then she was strangely quiet.
I looked at her and asked, “Are you still with him?” which in retrospect was a stupid-ass question as here she was actually shopping for him.

I asked her, “What makes you think you deserve to be treated that way by anyone?”
She looked at me and didn’t reply. Really didn’t expected her to know right then.
“What happened to you and whom or what damaged your self-esteem so very badly that you think you deserve to be treated that way?’
“You do know that by your reaction and what you are willing to tolerate, you teach people how they should treat you, right, you do know that?
No answer.
“Where are you from?” I asked, as if that should have mattered.
She told me and asked where I was from, I told her and I began to tell her the story of our national heroine, Nanny. Why? I really wasn’t sure at the time, but I wanted to give her an example of a great and courageous woman of power, even with so little at her disposal and nothing but a strong will, not to be captured or dominated and how greatly and valiantly she fought. I wanted to show her a woman’s strength. I needed her to know that she too has an inner strength, even if she wasn’t aware of it. She had great inner courage too, just needed to unearth it.

I told her about our heroine that fought the British soldiers when they tried to capture the Maroons (of which she was one). She fought with skill and ingenuity and her weapons were sticks, rocks and cunningness of the mind, while the soldiers had muskets (Colonial day’s weaponry) and other more sophisticated (at that time) means of fighting.
I then told her then that under no circumstances after “Nanny” went through all of that I would allow any man to treat me that way. I explained that I know what I was worth and I have a very healthy self-esteem and I just wasn’t going to tolerate that kind of treatment as that wasn’t love but evil and manipulation disguised as love.

She didn’t have a chick or child for him, she was financially independent (the apartment’s lease was in her name) so why? Why did she think she had no options? This wasn’t the Islands; this was the great U.S. of A!! She has rights under the law. She has options and motive to kick his worthless, manipulative, and pathetic cowardly ass!!

She was an abused woman, in every sense of the word and all that it entails.

“Are you serious?” I was as mad as hell! I was hurting for her and I was simultaneously mad at her. “Weird huh?” Didn’t even know the woman from Eve!

She was taking all this in and when I was finished she said, “You are so right, thank you”.
This was said in awe and gratefulness but with little conviction as on a deeper level, she wasn’t yet ready to make any changes. (All that is my own assumptions of course, but I know I’m right.) She still had the shirts in her shopping basket.

She half-heartedly said she was going to put the shirts back and I told her, she wasn’t yet ready for that. I told her I would pray for her to have her spirit awaken and for God to give her strength and clarity. I told her she needed to find her worth and self-esteem so she could, in the process find herself. I said my good-bye and wished her well (in every sense of the word).

******************

Update!!

Saw this young lady again the other day and she looked and acted very differently, how? She was smiling a lot more, she carried herself with more confidence and I knew there was a subtle shift in her awareness. I was happy to see her and all the immediate changes; even her hair was looking great. It was an attitude change I know and it all won’t happen overnight, but it was a start.

I of course apologized for being so obnoxious the last time I saw her and she was very gracious in acknowledging that she needed to hear what I had to say. I was pleased and grateful I had said something she needed to hear that made a difference in her life.

We women are an amazing bunch and when we need our God-given strength we just have to dig deeply enough and have faith and keep stepping out there!
Yeah for us women!!

2008-10-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Mark-“ism”

My son woke up Saturday morning and after watching cartoons for awhile declared rather loudly,”moooooom I’m hungry!” I ignored him and tried to squeeze the last bit of sleep before I had to get up, which you know is impossible if you have a whiny kid like I do. I burrowed under the covers and ignored him and he kept yelling (you’d think I wear a hearing aid for gosh sakes) how hungry he was and I wasn’t giving him any food to eat.

Still trying to ignore him, I finally answered and told him to make his own cereal; he was old enough and to leave me alone! “But I want you to make it”, he whined, “You’re the mom”. Okay I said, still trying not to get up and knowing how lazy he was, I figured I have at least twenty minutes more, “wash your face, brush your teeth and comb your hair and then I’ll make you breakfast ok”.

“Oh my gooooosh, he whined, why do I have to do all that before I get something to eat”? ”Because that’s the deal if you want me to get your breakfast which I know you are capable of doing but too lazy to do it yourself, take it or leave it!”
“Oh my goooosh, blah, blah, blah and blah”.

He finally found the strength to actually get up from in front of the TV and went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth! Came into my room and asked me point blank, “why do I have to wash my face and comb my hair, why do I have to do all that, what does that have to do with eating, I can understand I have to brush my teeth cos I have to eat with them and I did brush them, but why mom, do I have to wash my face and comb my hair, doesn’t make any sense to me,” he said.

I’m like, OMG, this is too early, and why the hell didn’t I just get up and do it already?? I groaned and switch into parental mode, “Mark, washing your face and brushing your teeth and coming your hair is a ritual you do everyday ok, it should be a part of you, it’s called grooming.”
“No, no, nooo mommy, (rather firm voice) a grooming is someone you find at a wedding, that’s what a grooming is ok.”
I’m going,”what, what did you say?” like I’m stupid, which I probably am or I would’ve just given him the darn cereal and forget it, but noooo.

He had gone to his cousin Tisha’s wedding about two weeks ago and so now I guess he was the authority on what “a grooming” was and had no qualms in teaching me.

I patiently told him to go wash his face and comb his hair while I got up to go make his cereal. My annoyance was gone because I realized how in the face of his defiant attitude how sweetly innocent he was and I guess he was just trying to understand something that did not make any sense to him.

Well he certainly made my morning as I watched him eat his cereal and watch “Sponge Bob”, quite contented as he should be. I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him and went back to bed. Kids, whiny, annoying and lovable as they wanna be with a little comic relief thrown in for good measure and balance to boot! Who knew? Lata!

2008-09-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

Sick Days

I got home Saturday night from work and except for my seasonal allergies and a bit of a sore throat which I thought was caused by the allergies, I was fine. I was too tired to go to bed and was a bit stressed and so I decided to iron some clothes for my son as well as a couple of pieces for myself. I really hate ironing, but it’s a great de-stressor for me, so I really didn’t mind. I ironed for about two hours and then went to prepare chicken (by seasoning) for next day’s dinner and after that was finished, I went and promptly took a shower. WOW!!!! Huge Mistake!!!!

Got up Sunday morning and felt like I was eighty years old!! OMG!!! Every muscle and joint in my body hurt, my inner ear hurt so badly I had to stuff cotton in both ear. My throat hurt so badly I couldn’t swallow, I felt like the vein in my legs were expanding and contracting at will. Please understand that I have zero tolerance for pain, zero, and cannot tolerate pain, period. I took two advils and foolishly thought in about an hour I would feel better, nope, that didn’t work, kept cleaning house, kept making dinner and kept feeling worse. Bedtime took two more advils and went to bed, had a tortured night, body wracked with pain and me being the absolute baby just moaning and whining. I had like two hour’s sleep!

Woke up Monday morning and called in to work and decided I have to go the ER or the clinic. I took my chances and went to the clinic; just because it says ER doesn’t mean there’s a big rush to make sure you’re taken care of. So I went to the clinic, my husband went with me and practically helped me cleaned up and got ready, God bless him. I went in as a ‘walk-in’ and spent a little over two hours and came out with a diagnosis of ear infection, swollen tonsils and the flu!! Yep, all three attacking my body all at once, yeah, lucky me, not! :(
I had ear drops, antibiotic, painkiller, and pills for my swollen tonsils. I naturally took the painkiller first and thank God and man for modern medicine while I swallowed. (It was a huge pill) I swear within the hour, I felt better and could breathe free, it was amazing. I then took the antibiotic and applied the ear drop and so on. The ear drop, another quick relief from pain, wow, I actually went to bed without cotton stuffed in my ear and woke up without pain, another big wow!! Even had soup and could swallow with minimal pain, again, thank God and man for modern medicine.

Antibiotic, I know it’s supposed to be a rather great medicine and I do appreciate its medicinal properties, but why does it have to leave you so nauseated and feeling like everything on the insides wants to come out on the outside?? By the time one is finished throwing up, you feel sick all over again, ugh!

Anyway I’m home and trying to feel better and trying to ignore all the work that’s here to be done when one is home. I lie on the couch and sip ginger ale and eat dry toast and keep taking those pills and trying not to vomit my insides out. It hasn’t been all that bad, husband went to work and my son went to school and so for some hours I have peace and quiet and time for reflection and watching HGTV.

Being sick is no picnic, but I believe there’s a lesson in everything and sometimes life gives you small lessons and it’s up to us to take notice. Maybe my body needed some well needed rest or I needed to ‘get off my high horse’ so to speak and be a bit more humble about certain things to certain people. Either way, point taken, lesson learned. Later!

2008-08-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

Olympics!!

Nation of Jamaica with her beautiful shores, gorgeous and cool mountain ranges, great-tasting food products, music that has captivated the world, our dancing, from the NDTC(National Dance Theatre Movement) to the dancehall moves, to our supreme, determined and talented athletes. I think it’s all been said, but I’ll just add my own personal view, my twenty-five cents, (inflation, you know)

I am having a really hard time wiping the grin from my face these days since track and field has been the focus at the Olympics. I am so proud of everyone, from Usain, Asafa (it takes talent, motivation and determination just to qualify) to the ladies who went out and performed their hearts out!! Congratulations to everyone!!!! You know we are so proud of you and your personal accomplishments as well as those of the national impact you’ve had on our small island nation.

I’ve been reading the Jamaican Gleaner everyday
online to see what’s being said and to see how Jamaica has been receiving the results every time one of her sons or daughters has left their competitors in the dust. It’s been thrilling! Sweet and amazing!!! People are celebrating all over the island. I guess it’s just incredible how we accomplished so much with the limited resources (read modern training facilities and money) we’ve had, just amazing!

Usain Bolt and Shelly-Ann Frasier (with her braces and pretty smile) are just so thrilling to watch! He is jovial, relaxed and just so full of life; (the French called it,”la joie du vive”) he’s even brought the latest dance moves to the world stage, the ‘gully creeper’ and the ‘nuh linga’ (was familiar with the first, the latter, not so much). Of course all that playfulness could be a ploy to mentally mess with his competitor’s strategy and concentration, but I doubt that very much. Besides he is or was 21 at the time (he’s now 22) “Happy birthday Usain!! He and Shelly-Ann behaved exactly as you would expect typical 21 years old to behave, with little care in the world and no baggage, as this was their first Olympic bid. Just the exuberance of youth at its best!

They have all worked hard, with steadfast determination, with the best coaches and support from all their families and various sponsors, but at the end of the day, they were alone out there on that track with the weight of Jamaica and the world watching and they all performed well and did not disappoint and for that we are all proud and happy and wish the absolute best for them in their future endeavors.

OMG!!! Wish I was gonna be home when they arrive there, to also show my appreciation and give my best wishes…..*sigh*

Jamaica is at her best when we all work and play together in unity and hopefully this will unite all the political factions and we’ll strive for peace and a positive outlook while we exhibit our happiness and national pride on the world stage. It’s not entirely impossible as Shelly-Ann was mined from one of the inner-city neighbourhood that has a really bad reputation and still, for a period in time, everyone there became one! She brought them together even if it’s for just a couple of days, it happened!!

Here’s to my little country, “The Rock”, (as it’s sometimes called) in the Caribbean, Here’s to Jamaica!! Just in case you’ve been living under a rock for a while, a really, really looooong while…. well, to paraphrase Junior Gong, (Damian Marley, he’s one of Bob Marley’s son)

“Welcome to Jamrock!!!”…..Later!

2008-08-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

Sensuous Black Woman

I’m a sensuous black woman
Soft, so soft, you’ll need to lightly touch me with the tips of
Your fingers
Caress my pliant body with your feathery touch

I’m velvety, I’m satiny
Like the night I wrapped myself around you unseen
Highly and eagerly awaiting the breakdown of your emotions
Waiting for you with total abandon

I’m sensuous to my surroundings
I love the familiar mixture of aromas in my life
Nature, food, sex
I love the beat and hip-swinging rhythm of our music

I accept the bitter reflections of the past that
Makes me look with anticipation and hope to the future

I love you when you are hard and demanding
When you’re being who you are- a man!
I love you when you’re soft, caring and understanding to my needs

I am attuned to your sensuality
‘Cos’ like the night I wrapped myself
around you unseen
I’m a soft sensual black woman
Very aware and appreciative of whom I am!

(This is the exclusive property of ‘bookworm5316….’ And should not be ‘borrowed’
‘copied’ or used in any other way, shape or form without my expressed or written permission!!)

2008-07-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!

I haven’t been posting my blogs as regularly as I would love to because I’m now happily in the group of people known as the ‘working stiff’ and I’m thrilled to pieces about the anticipation of receiving my first pay cheque in ten months. Yeah!! I previously wrote about being out of a job and how much it sucks sitting at home feeling unproductive and depressed and not getting paid, well no more baby, no more!

I’ve been gainfully employed by a Super Warehouse store and while the work is extremely hard (haven’t done anything so physically draining in years) I’m grateful for it and my body will thank me in a couple of months. I needed to exercise my old ceased up muscles (or musckles according to my son) and get them all toned and moving like they are supposed to, with ease and fluidity.

The first day I worked and came home, I was in such pain from unused muscles and was so exhausted that I could barely hug my child. He ran to me to hug me and commented on how much he missed me (after all he had me home for ten months and now I was off to work and his easy access, ‘mommy this and mommy that’ was gone) and I said to him, ‘sweetheart, you know I love you, but please don’t touch me’. My husband laughed so hard, he thought I was hilarious, maybe, but ‘hilariously in pain’ and total exhaustion. It was a kick-in-the-pants reaction to my not working all that time.

It’s amazing how much the human body can endure, tolerate and get used to in time. Two and a half weeks into working, I can actually come home, take care of my child and not just bathe and literally crawl into bed like I was doing the first week. Thank you body of mine has to make a mental note to appreciate and take better care of you.

So to all my friends who’ve been calling me and have gotten my answering machine time and time again, I’m apologizing now for that, as you know the drill, trying to avoid the ‘friendly reminder’ calls from card member services (and the lot) of my credit card companies and all else whom I’ve owed monies. I know my first cheque won’t belong to me but to all the credit card statements that I have acquired and need to pay and that’s okay, I consider myself an intelligent and responsible person and will act accordingly.

While I’m not working in my field, I’m still grateful to have gotten this job. I will now be able to get on with my life (so to speak) my plans and dreams and work hard to accomplish them.

I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ to my family for their love, support and encouragement throughout the time of my unemployment and special thank you to my husband for putting up with me when I was angry, depressed and just plain miserable-and- difficult-to live-with. He was always encouraging me and telling me not to worry and that we’ll make it and was just as sweet as ever. Thanks Boo!!....Later!

2008-06-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

BYE!

SHE
“I have to let you go; we can’t continue like this, not like this, I can’t do this anymore”.

“Don’t I have a say in this, you’re not the only person involved here, and you’re not the only one with a heart, you can’t do this to us.”

“Maybe I’m doing this for us as opposed to us; maybe I’m trying to save one of us from the inevitable.”

“You can’t say that, I’m miserable without you, you’re miserable without me and we are both hurting, this conversation is hurting us both, why are we talking about this again?”

“Because one of us has to be practical and face the reality, which is that you’ll be married in a couple of months and everything changes, every damn thing!”

“That’s not entirely true and you know it, you know why I have to do this and nothing will change between us, nothing! Not a damn thing!”

“Stop it! You can’t say that just because that’s what you want to happen, it’s what you want to believe, life is not that accommodating, damn it!”

**************
HE

“I love you and I’ve loved you now for twenty four years or more. I know how to make you happy. I know your nuisances; I’ve learned to accept you and them unconditionally. I need you, I can’t breathe if you are not in my life, and I wouldn’t know how to be if you are not there, can’t you understand that? What do you want me to do, if you say call the whole thing off I will, just say it! (Very passionately) I’m not losing you! I can’t lose you!”

SHE

“Sweetie I can’t say that, I don’t have the right. I know you have to do what you have to do and I know it’s hard and will take a great amount of courage on your part, but I can’t say that because I’m not in a position to demand anything from you. You know that! That’s why all of this is so fraustrating! Don’t you know my heart is breaking too?”

“I know you’ll probably don’t understand this, but I want this for you, I want you to be happy and because I love you that much, I want you to be truly happy and begin to live the quality life you deserve. You deserve that as much as the next guy, you’re a great and genuine person, a bit screwed up (smile) but that’s a part of your charm. I want this for you, really.”

“What we have is truly great and genuine, I love you and regardless of what we went through I’ve always loved you. Might have given you a hard time in the past, might have ignored you because I needed to heal, might have chased you away for awhile, but throughout it all you knew I loved you, even when I gave up on us, you never did.

“Sweetie I’m afraid this is it and there’s no easy way to do this or say this, but its good-bye. You know this is the right thing to do for both of us. We, you, I, we have to do this.”

With hot salty tears flowing in their tight embrace and sob- racking bodies clung tightly together, they kissed and hugged for what seem like forever before she pulled away, ran blindly towards her car, jumped in turned the key in the ignition and drove away.

She looked at him one last time and saw him standing there looking sad and lost.
“Oh God, what are we doing” she asked, as the tears flowed and her heart ached.

Suddenly her phone rang and she looked at it, saw the number and answered in a phony cheerful voice, “I’m on my way home baby, I’ll be there within the hour, yes, I love you too, see you in a few.”

Phone rang again and she saw the familiar number. With eager hands she reached over to get the phone and then thought better of it. She had to be strong. Ignoring the ringing phone she threw it in her bag and got ready to greet her husband at the door. The phone stopped ringing.

2008-06-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

Erratic and Jumbled Thoughts!

Been in a rut, a slump lately, and can’t seem to get motivated. I am still unemployed and one can only be so optimistic for so long dammit!!! I did a short course, got my certificate and license, fired off my resume, did the leg work in literally pounding the pavement and dropping off copies of all my papers and followed up by cold calling and asking people about openings, gave my numbers to soooo many people. Nothing! Went online, filled out applications for other places, not necessarily in my field and still waiting for that call. Nothing so far and while I’m not giving up, enough is enough!!! Maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something, if so I wish it would speak up or knock me upside the head or something….Just so you know, you see me on the street, don’t come knocking me upside the head and tell me the Universe sent you, it won’t be pretty okay ....:)

Here’s something I found incredibly funny though, while I don’t have a job right now it seems I’ve been pretty busy otherwise just doing stuff. Running from one appointment to another with my son to get his medical check-ups, dental, optometrist and running from filling out apps for camp, to orientation (for the parents), getting my own medical physical done , going to the stores trying to find deals on summer clothes (shorts & tee-shirts etc. Incidentally, why are boy’s clothing so much more expensive than girl’s?) And all these things that needed to be done and would’ve gotten done, but eventually… Life is funny like that sometimes.

**************
Loving Rihanna’s new song “Take a Bow”, it’s really a beautiful song and pretty much self-explanatory. She looks amazing in the video which I think is sleek and beautifully done. Go Rihanna!! Another hit on your hands and very much deserving too. Congrats!!Wish I knew how to ‘embed’ a video, but all this blogging is very new to me and I do have much to learn, and I will, cos I looove good music. Someone teach me please! :)….Seriously!

*****************

Summer is practically here and I’m soooo very happy about that. Long sun-filled days and evenings, light, sunny, pretty-coloured clothing, flip-flops and whatever else one fancies. Of course, this also means lots of days at the park with my son along with the hot dogs and burgers and all that junk food jazz….Ice cream truck ( with that everlasting music kids can hear a mile or two away) and my son running to me breathlessly,” mom, do you have money for shots?”….Yeah, looking forward to all that, going to a water or theme park and spending monies to join loooong lines, just so we can get on some ride, but it will be worth it to see his little face lights up and that’s okay with me. Yeah,”summer summer summer tiiimme…” from an old Will Smith song. Oh yeah, my biggest summer treat ever, McDonald’s Iced French Vanilla/Caramel Coffees!!

Magical Dance

2008-05-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
I’ve decided to post a poem I wrote a really long time ago when I had just fancied myself a poet. Kinda corny now but I love it and wanted to share it with you all. Read and enjoy and be kind.

Eyes that are dark and cloudy with desire
Nostrils flaring with anticipation

Lips, lush and full
Full of promises, promises of searing kisses
That burnt the top of my eyelashes
And quiet my beating pulses
Set my breasts on fire-makes me shudder
Shudder with excitement and wanting
Searing lips

Fingers that explore all the crevices of
Private places
Fingers that danced to their own rhythm
On my black skin
Fingers that knew no boundaries

Legs, strong and sturdy
Hips, rhythm-swinging hips
Legs and hips that are formed
With expert definition and style
Legs and hips that fits perfectly!
Magnificently! In mine

I want to dance and need to dance with
You now, most urgently
With your dark and cloudy eyes
Flaring nostrils, lush lips and burning kisses
Exploring fingers, dancing fingers, sturdy black
Legs, rhythm-swinging hips

I want to dance to the rhythm as old as father time
I want to dance hard and fast
I want to sweat; I want to dance until I tire with exhaustion

I want to slow waltz to gentle breezes and babbling brooks
I want to slow waltz to your easy breathing and the security of you love

(This is the exclusive property of ‘bookworm5316’ and should not be copied or ‘borrowed’ without my expressed permission)

2008-05-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

Jamaica, Jamaica!!

Just came back from ten days in my favourite tropical Isle and I thoroughly enjoyed each day from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. It was great!! It was fun, exhausting, it was hot weather wise, it was hot otherwise (wink) and it was wonderful seeing old friends and acquaintances and visiting old haunts as well as discovering new places.

As soon as we exited the airport we went to a little unassuming place called “Gloria’s” over in Port Royal. There was nothing unassuming about the food, it was amazingly delicious and fresh, as in the day’s catch. No frozen and defrosted and then cooked food, no, no!! Fresh, as in just caught from the ocean that very same day. I’m tasting it all over again mmm. First, we got fish ‘tea’ (for all you non- Jamaicans, it’s a light kind of broth, fish being the main ingredient ) and it was just yellow (from the pumpkin I assume) and looked very unappetizing. I looked at my sister, looked at the soup and we made a face, that is, until we tasted it!! My mouth experienced a burst of delicious and utterly satisfying flavours that was amazing. It was as if there were fireworks in my mouth from all the intense flavour of the soup. It was delicious!!!

I had spicy shrimp in a light delicious and savoury sauce with golden fried bammy and cole slaw. My sister and our friend had steamed fish, also with golden fried bammies and cole slaw. It was absolutely amazing! No joke!

Mandeville is home for me and it was wonderful just being there. The place is more vibrant, busy and more colourful than I remembered and yes, the drivers still let you across the street (give you a bligh) with and without the pedestrian crossing. I really get a kick out of thatJ.

I ate mangoes like I was a child again with the yellow juice running from my wrist to my elbowJ. My favourite mangoes are the East Indian variety and I had a lot. They were very juicy and sweet. I had a couple of ohtaheti apples as well. Hadn’t had those in awhile. Had some of my favourite foods, oxtails, curried goat, cow feet, and ackee with salted- fish as well as just cooked up salted fish and ground provisions. Some how it was sweeter eating all that stuff at ‘home’.

I spent a day with my very best girlfriend Faith. She took me to her mani/pedi girl and while I was getting ‘done’ we chatted and got caught up and laughed and basically bad talked men and laughed some more and then we went to lunch and then shopping. We had a blast!! It was an amazing day!

Last Saturday, we went to Port Antonio by way of leaving Mandeville and traveling through Clarendon, St. Catherine, Kingston, and St. Andrew, St. Mary and hitting Portland. We stopped by Boston for some of their famous jerk pork, sausages and roasted fish which we consumed with roasted breadfruit and roasted sweet potatoes and iced coconut water! Hmm… delicious and quite satisfying. Also took a dip in the ocean and saw a dread (Rasta man) surfing! That was an unusual sight for me. He was good at it too! We hit St. Thomas (and Bath fountain) on our way home. It was a long and satisfying day.

My cousin Donna was with us for a couple of days and I’ve never laughed so much or so hard in a long while. She is hilarious and fierce and we are eternally grateful to her for handling our monies so well in our day to day transactions (we were really confused about the different monetary denominations) and we greatly admired her bargaining skills!! She is really a funny character in all her 5ft diminutive glory. We love you girl and thank you much!! So glad we are related, wouldn’t want to be on the other side of your sharp witted and sarcastic barbs….She is a genuine roots girl and I love her dearly. Nuff love to you ‘Shorty’!!

Really enjoyed my visit home and hopefully we’ll be able to go again next year so we can give our late mom the fitting tribute she so deserved as well as taking care of business and balancing all that out with a little recreation. Can’t wait!

2008-04-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Verdict!

The verdict of Sean Bell’s trial came in today and it was a great disappointment for those of us who were expecting justice!!

For those of you who had been living under a rock, he was the young man who was killed on his wedding day in the early hours of the morning, after his bachelor’s party at ‘Club Kalua” in Jamaica Queens, about eighteen or so months ago.

All the Officers in the case were freed of all the charges. Every. Single. Charge. Was. Dropped!!!Due to a lot of the evidence from the prosecution that the Judge was convinced wasn’t the truth or was embellished upon or their demeanor on the stand which was combative among other things was part of the reason why they were released and freed of all charges. And still, a man was shot dead 50 times!!! What does that mean? Fifty bullets for a man who was unarmed, and is now DEAD, and that doesn’t count?? Could you shot a dog 50 times in this country, and not face some kind of punishment for it? He was UNARMED!!!!

Fifty shots!!!! And ‘the gun’ they were so convinced that Sean and his friends had is still non-existent to this day. Amadou Diallo was shot 41 times!!! Because his ‘gun’, which so threatened the lives of the cops, was a wallet!! A black wallet!!

Makes me think, another case of the black skinned people of whom we are, our life is dispensable at any time, anywhere and for any old reason. Makes me think, the more things change, the more they stay the same and we are right back at square one.

The president of the P.B.A. (Policemen Benevolent Association) Patrick Lynch said “There were no winners here today”, he’s was right, but he said something else which gave me pause. He said that, it’s good to know that the courts back the officers and that the officers know that when they are in certain situations that require excessive force and has to act, the court is there for them or there to back them up. That was basically the gist of what he said….

My question is, who is there to back up the victims when excessive force is being used, as in 50 and 41 bullets and no gun was found and the other ‘gun’ was a black wallet, who? Who is there to comfort their families and loved ones, who will tell the kids why their daddy can’t or won’t ever come home again, who? Who will tell them he died even though he was innocent and will they understand or be as confused as most of us are time and time again?

I wonder how the other black officers in the force feel when things or situations like this happened. They still have to go to work each day and stand among their ‘brothers’ who are involved in the situation knowing, excessive force was utilized and an Innocent man was killed.

This is by no means to condemn ALL the Police Officers who are out there everyday doing their jobs conscientiously and protecting the citizens of this great nation. We greatly appreciate them and their efforts; we salute them and THANK them. But there’s always a few, (you know, as in every family…. there’s always a ‘black sheep’) who think they’re above the law and now the courts probably just proved them right…..

All I know, is that an Innocent man was shot dead 50 times because he and his friends were perceived as drunken thugs, seemed threatening and was heard to have a gun, of which there was none, and no one is held accountable because “carelessness and recklessness is not criminal”….And still, another mother and father lost their son, a wife lost her husband, children lost their father and his friends are left without him, because, “carelessness and recklessness is not criminal”……..Yeah, tell that to his family, friends, supporters and community.

2008-04-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Going Home, Yeah!

Looking forward to going home to that little rock in the Caribbean called Jamaica! I can’t wait to touch down at Norman Manley Airport and feel the sun in my face and wind as it caresses my cheeks (yeah, sounds cheesy, I know) It’s gonna be sweeeet!!

My last visit home was two years ago when my sister and I went home to bury our mother who passed suddenly from diabetic complications. It was bitter sweet. It’s always nice and exciting to go home, but not to bury ones mother, and so, we didn’t get a chance to really see or do anything as everything else pales in comparison to the task we had at hand and the pain and suffering we were going through at the time. It’s definitely gonna be bitter sweet again and I’m not gonna fight my feelings of pain, I’m gonna embrace it and feel it and move through it and try to get some semblance of peace…..

Looking forward to be in cool, cool Mandeville and just drinking in the sights, sounds and the whole atmosphere of this unspoilt little city that is fast becoming over-populated. There’s something special about Mandeville that I’ve noticed. Other than the cool temperatures and quaint village-like English-setting, whenever one is crossing the pedestrian crossings, cars are expected to stop and give you the right-of- way, well in Mandeville, the cars usually slow down and let you cross ANYWAY whether you’re on the pedestrian crossings or not, seriously!! This is not the norm with J’can drivers!!! I’ve recalled the many mornings rushing to work and not wanting to be late and just put my hand up like a traffic cop and they’d slow and let me cross without yelling or shouting obscenities at me or anyone else for that matter.

When I went home two years ago, I stood in Mandeville Park and was smiling broadly to myself as I observe the same thing happening as it did years before. This was entirely a new generation of taxi-drivers doing this and I thought to myself, wow!! This is pretty special… The ones who didn’t do it, you could tell they were from else where. I’ve lived in Bridgeport (Portmore) St.Thomas, Canada and now Queens, NY and if you even attempt to cross the Pedestrian crossing without the “Walk” sign, you’re deliberately putting your life in danger and tempting fate. Mandeville is a pretty special place, and of course I’m biased, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone loves something about their parish and think its special in its own way…..right?

Can’t wait to connect with my friends and some of my relatives (after taking care of some important business) and…. you know, just sitting back, breathing, chilling and eating some good food among other things. Yeah, it’s gonna be sweeeeet!!!........Later

2008-04-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

On Being Fat!

Went to the mall the other day and had my fantasy and my self-denial came face to face to a screeching halt!! I was not ready for it! I was forced to see the truth in one of those dressing room mirrors. The mirror had three panels and I kept looking into each one separately, to see, if by chance I was not what the others were telling me, that yes, you’re fat, deal with it!! Still wasn’t ready….

I am unemployed and was a bit down for awhile and being an emotional eater doesn’t help at all. I am five feet and three inches tall (or not) and being fat is not healthy for me physically and on a pure cosmetic level, I look like a barrel with legs!!! So, you get the drift. I am not 300-400lbs, no, I’m not there or even hope to reach there at all,nooo,I just want to be able to fit in my clothes comfortably and stop fidgeting and trying to fix stuff so I can be comfortable in my size and not a size above…..I’m not trying to be a skinny-minny, nope, just wanna be me again, at a size I don’t have to fight to get my jeans on.

Trying to figure out why some people can eat as much as they can and not gain an ounce while some only smell the food and blow up like a blow fish. I know the genetic components has a lot to do with it and a little thing called discipline… as in the discipline to eat more healthy foods and cut out the sweets and fat products and to exercise ,exercise and exercise….not there yet, and therein lies the problem….

The fantasy I spoke about earlier on was about going to the mall and buying ‘springy’ colourful and sexy clothing for the season and they would just fit beautifully and perfectly on my body without any bulging or buttons straining to stay in their holes across my abdomen area. Talk about being in denial!!! When the truth hits you in a mall dressing room, under bright lights, it ain’t pretty!! OMGosh, when the hell did all this happened? As if I don’t know…..late night snacking hmmm?

So first off, I have to find a picture of me (when I was me and sexy as hell) and pin it on the fridge door to motivate myself and dig real deep for some discipline, lace up my sneakers and start walking, one foot in front of the other until I walk off all the extra pounds I accumulated, like a hibernated bear in the winter…It’s not gonna be fun and I’m gonna whine like crazy and complain to my friends, but it has to get done and that’s that!!

Oh gosh, this is gonna be hell times three and I’m not looking forward to it…..what was that darn word again……Yeah, discipline……whatever!!!

2008-04-06T15:36:00.001-07:00

Random Thoughts

It’s a beautiful spring afternoon, warm, about 56 degrees and of course it’s raining. Light showers coming down and the whole neighbourhood (from my verandah steps anyway) looks so clean and almost antiseptic. The trees are just beginning to bud and the streets are clean, my neighbour’s yard on both sides and in front of me is spotless, no cars came tearing down the street without regards for the pedestrians and for a moment, just a moment, all seems well with the world. It’s like all the world was being cleansed and it was quiet and peaceful and just beautiful and you wished with all your heart it would remain like that for a while longer, before the six o’clock news comes on and reality returns….

I woke up this morning in high spirits (could’ve been the coffee) and wanted to go shopping! Except of course, I don’t have that kind of money…It’s another beautiful day and it’s sunny and my spirit is up and there are certain days when the weather is gorgeous and I just want to do something totally unrealistic and totally out of character for me. (I budget for everything and I’m big on prioritizing) I saw a “Marshalls” commercial on TV and just wanted to go shopping for beautiful ‘springy’ clothes with pretty colours and sexy strappy sandals and fruit coloured (pear-green, pomgrenate-red, and vibrant oranges) hand bags. Sometimes the sun has that effect on me like a drug or something. I don’t know what it is, but it has the power to lift my spirit and enhance my mood and it’s just amazing!! Maybe because we are now rid of the “Winter Blahs” and summer is around the corner and that means long, sun-filled days and nice breezy evenings. Either way, I gotta go and make my budget for summer camp now…. Let’s see now..... fees, clothes, transportation etc., etc., etc….

Took care of my niece the other evening for about two hours, it was sooo much fun, the child run me ragged, OMGosh!!! There’s a reason why women have kids when they’re young, that’s because then you have enough energy to run after them. She’s fourteen months old and smart as a whip. She’s VERY familiar with the phone and its usage, sticking it between her ear and shoulder as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. She’s bow-legged and can dance up a storm, and looks sooo cute in her jeans. She turns the TV on and off at will and tries her best to pull down everything in sight and trying saying ‘no’, to her and she argues back at you….how do I know? Not just by her babbling, but by the way her face looks when she is babbling and the intensity of her voice….She’s such a darling though (especially when she’s sleepingJ). I really love having her over, (1) because she’s such a joy and enriches my life and (2) she drives my son absolutely crazy!! And I love it, cos sometimes he needs to think of others before himself, a lesson you’re never too young to learn….. Later!

2008-03-31T07:53:00.000-07:00

Kidney, Anyone?

We, (my son and I) were finishing up his homework after about an hour of doing them with little or no break, and wait, before you think I’m a task master; you need to know he got his unwinding time when he got home from school. We don’t mention the ‘h’ word until he gets an hour’s break. At that time he can watch cartoons or play games on the computer or whatever he chooses to do, but when it’s homework time ,there’s suppose to be no fooling around. Period!

It’s getting close to 8 o’clock now and he’s feeling the pressure to finish up so he can go watch his thirty minutes sitcom and just relax before bed and we weren’t finished with his social studies as yet. We were working on the differences and similarities between Hinduism and Buddhism….Yeah, my thoughts exactly, when is he ever going to use that in real life? We were plodding through it and I could see he was getting impatient and quite frustrated by the minute! So to be reasonable, I turned the television on (does anyone ‘switch’ the tele on anymore? hmmm, just a thought) just to ease the tension a bit and lighten things up some, but he got so caught up in the show that I angrily and quickly turned it off!!!

Oh my, was he upset!
“Why did you turn it off?” he asked angrily…
“Oh, no reason”, I replied nonchalantly….
“OMGosh, you’re so mean, I know why you did it!!”
“We need to finish this before you watch TV, and you’re not co-operating! I said…
“So what, I don’t have to watch TV, It’s not like I need a kidney!!!” he yelled.

I tried to run a democratic household where even he, has a say, but the decision ultimately rests with the adults. Hence, the outburst, as I told him he can express himself, but not in a rude manner, guess he didn’t get that memo…..

I grew up in Jamaica, (that’s a loaded statement) had I ever had the guts to speak to my father that way, I wouldn’t be alive much less to be writing this, believe me …. Or I would be swallowing a couple of my teeth….. Just saying….
Most of us grew up in the “Silent Decade”, you know, the children should be seen and not heard era….I had a lot to say, just couldn’t say it ‘cos’ you know what would have happened…

Time for a little talk about expressing one’s self in a not-so-rude-manner and just maybe he’ll be around to celebrate his 8th birthday!!

That’s all I’m saying…….Later!

On Mistaken Phone Calls

2008-03-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

On Mistaken Phone Calls

About three am one Saturday night into early Sunday morning my cell phone rang, (ever notice how the phone seemed to ring with even more urgency if you didn’t get it on the first ring?) anyway I digress, picked up the phone and said “hello’, praying it wasn’t a family member in trouble.
I heard on the line a very deep voice,kinda like Barry White’s,say,”yeah….it’s me!”
“Excuse me “, I said now quite awake, “who’s me?” “Me… Ziggy”, he said ,”Um Ziggy, I
think you have the wrong number”. He replied, “I waan come ovah jus fi awile”, again I told
him he had the wrong number,”jus mek mi come nuh”. I hung up my phone and he called
again.”A@^%$#@!!& you have the wrong number!!”, “awiight” he said and finally got
the message, really now, must be a screw-up to get your booty-call number mixed up.

I hung up, quite puzzled and when I woke up I wondered if I had actually dreamt it.
I also wondered which woman would allow a man to call her at that hour so sure of
himself and with such a limited language capacity to express himself(not necessarily in proper English
but in terms of attitude too) to boot and still get the attention he craved (to put it mildly)
I suspect I’m still naïve when it comes to matters of that sort....been married for ten years
and really can't relate to the booty-call or friends with benefits situations, not that anything
is wrong with it if that's your thing, I’m not in a position to judge and don't need to be
either.
Just saying I can't relate to it....I hope any woman who does open her 'door' for those really
early morning calls, does so for someone who will at least take her out in the daylight hours
as well as being a little more articulate in words and attitude. That's all I 'm saying......later!

Posted:

I Ruin My Son's Life

2008-03-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

I Ruined My Son’s Life!

It’s six forty-five and the alarm went off. It’s winter and it’s cold and even harder to rouse myself from my own blanket much less to awaken my son. I knew I had a battle waiting for me.
I went to his room and tried gently to rouse him, he just turned on his side, said something unintelligible and kept on sleeping. Tried again and again and finally physically pulled him up and told him gently and sweetly to go to the bathroom and start getting ready for school. He ignored me and went straight back to bed!!! OMG!! No he didn’t!!! I’m now incensed because I did send him to bed several times last night to which he kept telling me, “I’m not tired”, and to which I shot back, “who asked you?” “Your little body is not meant to stay up for thirteen to fifteen hours, you need to rest and restore your little behind!” Like a parrot,” but I’m not tired”. Now he’s so tired he can’t get up. I enlisted the help of my husband to wake him up, while I went to prepare his ‘highness’ breakfast. Don’t know what my husband said to him, or promised him, but he got up. I’m now the bad guy as you’ll see, dear readers.

He came into the living room, facing me, his body rigid with anger; hands hung stiffly at his sides and the face, (you know the saying, “only a face a mother…”) and glared at me, and said in an even controlled voice, dripping with anger,” why are you trying to ruin my life!!”
Take note, I wasn’t trying to ruin his morning or even his whole day (as my friend Jen,pointed out to me) I was trying to ruin his whole, little seven year old life!! “Kids, gotta love them or ….” You be creative and fill in the blanks okay.

After his ‘highness’ gave me his speech, he turned and walked out, went to the bathroom and began to do what I had asked him before, like nothing happened. I’m standing there with my mouth open like I’m stupid, can’t believe I was just told off in that manner at 7:15 in the morning by an obnoxious seven year old!!! I finally recovered and said to him,”well, if you had gone to bed like I had asked several times; I wouldn’t be trying to ruin your life!” Honestly, I felt a little deflated and felt he got the upper hand in this, but I will have lots more opportunities, I’m sure, to correct that.

He gave me a kiss and a hug before he went to wait for his bus, so I’m guessing the human part of him has emerged again. “Thank God!”………Later

Posted:

2008-03-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

The (Dreaded) Subway!

Today I had some business to take care of in the city, Manhattan, otherwise known as the
‘Concrete jungle’, but I digress, my loving husband came with me as I have no sense of direction for one, and two, and I have an aversion to the Subway system. As I’ve said before, I can hardly find my way out of a paper bag much less to traverse the subway. I am quite claustrophobic and I am okay as long as we’re above ground, the minute we go underground and into the tunnels I am hyperventilating and panicking, thinking there’s not enough air to breathe under there, which is quite irrational I know, but that’s what I’m thinking while everyone else is relaxed and doing whatever.

We had to transfer trains three different times to get to our destination. That’s a feat within itself because you get off one train and you just don’t go across the platform and wait for the other, nooo that would’ve been too easy. You have to walk a mile, go upstairs and know which exit to get off or you’ll end up uptown going to the Bronx instead of midtown Manhattan!

On our second transfer, we got to the train just as the door opened and people are pushing and jostling to get in and just as I was about to get in , this big woman who was as wide as the opened subway doors stepped right in front of me and cut me off!! Trying to get around her I bumped into this little old man who was trying his best to cut me off too!! What the heck do I look like today, chopped liver!! I side-stepped him and just as I was about to get in, the door closed.in.my.face!!! Damn!! I’m standing there like I’m stupid and Winston is in the closed train giving me the evil eye as if to say “what the hell is wrong with you? Train pulled out! Huh!! OMG!! OMG!!
I didn’t panic! I walked away and tried to call him on my cell phone, except you don’t get service underground. “What do I do?’ “What do I do now?” I text him and told him not to return
Just text me back and tell me where to meet him.

Didn’t get that either, nothing works underground!!!!

So I did the next best thing and sat on one of the wooden benches, crossed my legs and patiently waited for him to return as I knew he would, all the while pretending to be a sophisticated New Yorker who’s so knowledgeable about the subway and whom didn’t just get the door slammed.in. her face!!! Slammed.in.my.face!!! Damn!!
He came back and looked at me, shook his head and started laughing his head off! I pretended I didn’t know him…..This time he stood me in front of him as we boarded the next oncoming train to continue our interrupted journey....I was so grateful to have him with me, I treated us to lunch at Mickey Dees………Later!

2008-03-13T08:56:00.001-07:00

This is my first time!!!! Wow!!!!

2008-03-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,this is my first time in this medium and I am excited and jittery all at once. I simply love the idea of just putting thoughts on paper and expressing one self in any way,shape or form one wishes just because one can and chooses to do so!

It's my sincere wish to grow and learn and entertain and be entertained as i go along this journey. I am absolutely not computer literate as some of you out there but I am learning as I go along because I'm so in love with the written word and I think I need to do so in order to function in this age of technology,also because I have an adorable seven year old with whom I have to keep up. I am looking forward to your suggestions and comments and hoping to have a grand ole time while I'm here.

See you all later!